But How Lord?!

"If I'm ruthlessly honest, I may have said yes to God, yes to Christianity, but really, I have lived the no. I have. Infected by that Eden mouthful, the retina of my soul develops macular holes of blackness"

 "Grace, it means "favor" from the Latin gratia. It connotes a free readiness. A free and ready favor. That's grace. It is one thing to choose to take the grace offered at the cross. But to choose to live as one filling with His grace?  Choosing to fill with all that He freely gives and fully live- with glory and grace and God? 

 I know it but I don't want to: it is a choice. Living with losses, I may choose to still say yes. Choose to say yes to what He freely gives. Could I live that- the choice to open the hands to freely receive whatever God gives? If I don't, I am still making a choice. 

 The choice not to."   

"This constellation in the dark- grace, thanksgiving, joy- it might be like that- reaching for the stars. So hard. So HARD. Is there some easier way to fulfilling life?"

 ~quoted from "One Thousand Gifts" By Ann Voscamp

 Dear friends and readers, this is going to be my blog for a time. I am going to use it to prayerfully journal my healing journey. There is SO much in my heart that I have swept away into hidden closets, slammed the door and desperately run away from, trying not to feel the feelings anymore. My heart much like my home is in need of a good housekeeping, it's time to do the spring cleaning in the closets. Rid myself of the clutter and mess that has accumulated there.

 Much like Taye does when I ask him to clean the living room, there are things crammed under the couches and in any corner where I think I can hide them good enough that they won't be detected.  I'm a runner. 

 I think back, how did I even become a runner? I used to be someone who carefully walked through things, (on purpose) and faced the fire and dealt with the fire. I guess after to much fire and to many blisters I began to skirt the fires, or wrap them up carefully and quickly tuck them away, the problem with fire is that it doesn't go out if you hide it... Eventually the flames will envelope everything from their secret place. 

 I hear often how I've had more than my share of trials and hardships.  How do I even answer that. How do I face it? Especially how do I face it with Thanksgiving??!!  How do I be content with knowing that it's not actually more than my share, it is exactly what God has predestined for me.

 I used to... I used to find the good in everything and smile and point out the goodness to those around me. But I've lost that ability somewhere. Now you will find me crouched in a corner waiting.... Just waiting for the next blow. 

 You'll find me night after night waking from nightmares consumed with past trials and fears of the future.  Somewhere in my journey I choose not to be thankful. I can't tell you how it hurts to write those words, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the tears welling up in my eyes. 

 I don't know how anymore. I do still have my faith in God. I logically know that He loves me, that all of this is truly part of a wonderful plan. But how do I be thankful for it? 

 How do I be thankful for watching my oldest son have a seizure, death painted on his face and truly believe we are in his last moments? How do you be thankful for listening to a doctor say in not so many words to prepare yourself for the worst because your new baby boy may not make it through the night? How am I to be thankful for holding a sweet baby girl, loving her, kissing her sweet forehead and singing praise songs to her and then in an instant never seeing her again??

 Yes, all of those things have good about them, but on this side of them. How do I pick up my broken, wounded heart and be thankful that it is almost bled dry? How do I not live every single day in fear of the next big seizure, the next asthma attack or any number of things that may possibly take another child or loved one out of my arms?! 

 I sat in the doctors office a few weeks ago, nervous. Somewhat knowing what to expect but yet not. The loneliness engulfed me. I kept praying under my breath, why Lord couldn't you have worked it out so that I could be holding my husbands hand for this appointment. I swallowed hard, felt dizzy gazing at the floor trying to regain my composure before the Dr. noticed. 

 She leaned in closer to me, holding papers in her hands with lab results on them. "I hesitate to tell you the gravity of your situation, you seem to be a bit of a worrier. But this is serious.  Very serious."  

 She went on... But her statement hung in the air "you seem to be a bit of a worrier"  Most of what she said was a blur from there.  It was a true fact from someone who has only met me a handful of times, and it hurt. Ever since I left her office that day I've been grappling with it. How do you NOT worry when you've just gone through everything I have?  How can I ever have fullness and enjoyment in simple life again and not be waiting for the next big thing.

 That afternoon "one thousand gifts" came to my attention... It was almost like a lightning bolt, first on a blog I read, then on another, then videos on facebook and more and more I couldn't get away from it.  I started getting interested, until finally I landed upon the realization that I need to read this book.

 Her story, her honest candid writing is inspiring. I feel as if I am in the book, though our lives have been different and our hardships different... My heart is in it. 

 This is an account of my heart today, my questions, my fears... My desperate desire to find grace, thanksgiving and joy yet again.