we're going back....

 This post is going to sound completely crazy coming from a girl who is sitting here munching down a lovely plate of thick sliced organic nitrate free bacon, hash-browns cooked right beside the bacon and a large mug of sugary Chai topped off with milk.

 It tastes really good. I LOVE my chai and bacon... seriously, if I could I think I'd eat that for every meal.

 But then I'd feel terrible! 

Which is what brings me back to the title.... 

We're going back...

 On the diet we were on last year at this time. (and then some)

 Overall for the past year I would say I have learned INCREDIBLE amounts about nutrition. I'm still learning. But I wanted to share here the overall sum up of what we personally have experienced in the FOOD department of life. The American diet is going to kill us all.  Seriously, that is pretty much my sum up. 

Not only that but our diet is depriving others around the globe of food.

 American as a whole, we are selfish and we don't even realize it. 

(don't worry, I have info to back that statement up.) 

Remember a year ago in January... Maybe you don't, but I do. I always will.

A year ago in January I was told that my medical condition was beyond SERIOUS. 

I was suffering from liver fatigue rapidly turning into liver failure, I had six weeks to bring my liver enzymes down with diet or I would have to begin the process of much more serious intervention.

I was told that I have an auto immune disease 

I was very VERY anemic (dangerously)

I was suffering from several serious vitamin deficiencies.

I had no immune system

There was more, but need I say more?

I was fading away, slowly but surely if I'd not found my Dr. of oriental medicine I am completely convinced I would have ended up in a beyond reparable dire emergency, if not death.

It was a crazy week when that news came

INSTANT 

Lifestyle change.

Grocery trips made while battling constant fatigue and dizzy spells, trying with all my might to think straight while I selected foods that I'd never purchased before, Vegetables I'd heard the names of but never actually tried in my life.  My head spinning as I realized the ridiculous amount of things that contained gluten.

I stopped using any soaps with sodium laurel or laureth sulfate, or parabins, or any sort of chemical make up at all. The adjustments to all of this in one week were HARD. 

But once my body got used to not having the constant sugar blast to keep me awake my irritability levels dropped incredibly, my energy slowly returned and wasn't this insane roller coaster ride anymore. I lost 38lbs in 3 months. I went in for my blood draw and my liver was NORMAL! wow! 

I changed our family over too

Remember all of Carter J's health issues, Asthma attacks 3 and 4 times daily, absence seizures, vitamin deficiency and more... Yep, on the diet he improved SO much, then after 5 years of this child's life we discovered egg and peanut allergies, eliminated those along with Carter J's AWFUL amount of steroids and meds and guess what...

Seizures and asthma GONE.

He has had only a few Asthma attacks in a year and it was after HUGE fires filled our state with thick smoke and the horrible yellow jacket attack.

Things for ALL of our health incredibly improved, until I got a little lazy.. Started adding back in some foods "just to see" 

Thought eh, I don't see a HUGE difference. So we returned to them. The holidays came and I just didn't feel like being strict on our diets. I could feel my energy levels slipping away again, not badly but I was wearing out easily.  It's really easy as a Thyroid patient to ride everything off on that. But then I started noticing a lot of bloating ect.

It struck me over the past week. We are back on the average american diet. 

My almost year long fast from visiting fast food restaurants came to an end because we were to busy, I was to tired to cook ect. 

(local very justified in my mind restaurants mind you... I DON'T do Wendy's or McD's ICK) 

BUT... in reality, even the local ones are still bad for you. Yes, even their salads

Yesterday it was really bothering me

I've noticed Carter J's sensory issues flaring up, he's having bloody noses again and he is pale with dark circles under his eyes.  I have been having issues during this recovery, obviously most of them CAUSED by major surgery, but yet, I think worsened by the big amounts of beef, gluten and sugar ect we've been eating.

So while I was sitting here having a BAD pain day I finally took the time to watch

  "Forks Over Knives"

a documentary I think every single person in America should be required to watch.

It reminded me of all that I learned from our Dr.  of Oriental Medicine. 

It reminded me of how GREAT I felt on a good whole foods diet.

It rekindled my love for all things nutrition and healthy.

It made me sad that all I have in my house to eat right now is meat.

We are going to go back onto our VERY strict diet, I'm going to take BACK off the 18lbs I've gained back during this re-laps into eating "average".  The big difference this time around is that in addition to eating healthier and MORE veggies, we're going to take it a step further.

A year ago my hubby tested back boarder line high for cholesterol, that scares the life out of me. More than my own health issues. With our old diet he'd brought that WAY down.

I am going to take meat out of our diet (for the most part) 

Yes, we are going on a Whole foods plant based diet.

I am learning and if you watch Forks over Knives and do your own study, meat and casine products are REALLY not good for us. It is NOT the best source of protien. Beans, grains ect are.

This really makes sense to me.  Really, if you think about it, look at Creation in Genesis. God created Adam and Eve, in the garden. Their bodies were fearfully and wonderfully made, to eat the "fruit" of the garden.

Meat didn't come into play until the fall of man, when death entered the world. 

I'm not saying that this is the ONLY way to eat, I'm saying that I think we should REALLY take a good look at the research and at our own health. When our diets were mostly plant based our family's health problems disappeared. When we jumped back into the average eating habits we are all starting to get sick again.

Oh, and the world hunger thing

If we took all the grain that is used to feed the cattle to feed Americans and gave it to the starving people around the globe, it would EASILY feed EVERYONE.

Our problem isn't a lack of food, it is poor use of what we have.

That breaks my heart.


****Edited to add****
One clarification I think I should make here, I'm not saying meat is evil, or wrong, just that we eat TO MUCH. I will continue to use very SMALL amounts to flavor our foods but not as our main course.

The Stand - Hillsong United

Wow, The weight is gone. I cannot even begin to explain to you the difference in my heart, my life, my everything.

 The weight is lifted. Something I have not blogged about, and I do so only hesitantly now is a struggle I've been having for a little over a year now.

 Depression. A deep dark time in my life that is just unexplainable... I think only if you've faced depression can you begin to understand it. I've been so alone and so afraid to talk about it to all but three people because of the stigma that is attached to it. People think less of you, they don't know what to do with you. You don't know what to do with yourself.

 There feels like this incredible weight, a sadness that cannot be taken away.  The two illnesses I've been dealing with Hashimotos thyroiditis and liver failure one of the main symptoms of both is depression. It's not just something one can easily "get over" or "shake off"  it's a physical illness that can feel like the most defeating thing in the world.

 I share now for only ONE reason, that is that I pray that if anyone else out there is suffering from depression that they will know they are NOT alone. You are NOT alone in feeling like a failure, for dealing with constant guilt and thoughts that you don't belong anywhere and that everyone you know would be better off without you.  I UNDERSTAND! AND I know that God can take it away from you, or God can use it to His glory.

 I also know (and knew) through it all... it's not true. Our families and our friends need us, no matter how unworthy we may feel.

  Over the past two weeks, I have been on a new thyroid medication (armor thyroid) and  I have felt like a million bucks, seriously, I have not physically felt this well in YEARS probably 8 years.  In addition to that, over these past two weeks this sadness, this emotional weight even spiritual weight has been lifted... This morning, standing in church after watching the movie last night "the Gospel of John"  it suddenly hit me, during the song below. The weight is GONE... I am not even remotely depressed.

 I have clung to the Lord through this incredible dark time, but have felt so unworthy. Last night, watching that reenactment of the sacrifice Jesus made for me. For my sins, for every single thought of anxiety, for every single fear, for every single moment I called HIM a liar and said I was NOT worth His sacrifice... He reminded me last night just how wrong I was.  I am covered by grace... I pray that EVERYONE else would come to know that grace. The freedom found in it. The fear, the anxiety, the depression and pain all covered in Him, in His sacrifice on my part.

 This blog post also touched my heart recently, it's all been part of a great process that and brought me out of this trial... I want to share this for other adoptive parents who may be struggling... I had no idea something like PAD existed... But I truly confess it does. (some of the parents mention not being able to bond with their children. I thankfully have NOT struggled with this... I am beyond bonded to my Evie darling!)  Please CLICK HERE if you think this article will encourage you.

 I am RECONCILED!  And you, even if you've been saved for years and are only struggling, you... if you've walked away from the faith you once knew... you.... if you've never known Him and His forgiveness... I pray that you will.  Because when darkness and suffering are all you know, God is good. When the world is filled with delights and not a trial in sight God is good. He is good ALL the time!

 The weight is gone!!! 

What I've Learned this Week

Every time I think Zoe may meet her end, she redeems herself by how devoted to Carter J she is

In spite of my "teaching" our photography night at Keepers of the Faith seemed to go off well.

(my children forgot to put ON the vests I carefully remembered to take to keepers too, which I discovered when I looked at the pictures!)

two doctors appointments with SCARY tests in one day are not fun

however

My liver enzymes are within normal limits (the high side of normal) BUT normal!

I am no longer in liver failure

There are no tumors or nodules on my thyroid

and

my blood tests are showing now that the auto immune activity is now GONE.

I am not completely well, there are some new things they found. But right now I have renewed hope of being a normal functioning person again!!!

Taking Carter J in for a blood draw was an emotionally draining way to spend my afternoon.

However, watching Taye pick out and GET the new hair cut "with spikes" was a LOT of fun! 

trying to process

I'm sure it's been blaringly obvious that I haven't been blogging again, that I dropped blogging about my journey through "One Thousand Gifts".

Well, I haven't actually dropped it, but I have set it aside for a few moments. 

You see, it all began a week ago Wednesday when I went to the doctor for a scheduled appointment. 

However, I got there and discovered that they had messed up their schedule and given away my appointment. I was beyond angry at the treatment I was given acting like it was my fault ect.

In the midst of waiting for this appointment, I'd gone through a MAJOR thyroid "crash" things for me physically and emotionally were NOT good and thus putting a lot more stress on my liver effecting the liver failure again/more.

While I was there my OTHER doctor (our doctor of oriental medicine) happened to have a bag of things for me, as well as the results of Carter J's food sensitivity tests. 

I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. Seriously, I wanted SO bad to just sit down on the floor in the office and sob.

He is sensitive to SO many things, my mind was boggled as to how on earth one would EVER cook with the limitations given. 

No dairy, none.

no eggs

no wheat, rye, barley, spelt and so on, nothing with gluten whatsoever

no cranberries

no peanuts or soy

no 

no no 

NO! 

I took several days to process that... okay, never mind, I'm still working on it!

And then "The Boss" Started having dizzy spells in the evenings, then it got worse and worse and worse until 

now he's missed a few days of work again this week because the vertigo is SO bad he couldn't walk down the hall or focus in on an object or ANYTHING. We've done this before. It was scary then and it is scary now. He does have a very bad upper sinus infection, but anytime you have to send someone you love in for CT scans and whatnot it is scary!  He's had sinus surgery and may possibly be looking at another surgery at this point.

Then I finally had MY appointment, you know...
I got my lab results
Hashimotos thyroiditis came back positive
my thyroid levels came back so wonky weird that she is concerned there may be a nodule/growth on the thyroid, so I have to go in for an ultrasound.
My vitamin D levels are still so low they can't even register them on the blood test and I'm still anemic.

THEN
Yesterday while a dear friend was visiting Carter J became very pale, wasn't making much sense, said his neck hurt but wasn't really answering questions... Then suddenly while sitting on her lap he went limp, turned white, his lips turned blue. I checked his o2 with our monitor and it was at 78... (that is DIRE emergency)
I pumped asthma meds into him fast. (this has happened at least 3 times before this as well)
mystery asthma attacks that come and then go as quickly as they came.  SCARING the life out of me.
So I decided to take him into his asthma doctor yesterday
Again, I wanted to sit down on the office floor and cry.
The doctor said he thinks that it was either an anaphylactic reaction OR... a seizure.
As soon as he said it it clicked in my brain.
it was a seizure
Why hadn't I seen it before... he wasn't struggling to breathe, it didn't have anything to do with his asthma.
it was a seizure
and because Caleb has epilepsy it WAY increases his chances of having it too.

I'm just plain and simple tired... But here is one beautiful truth that is carrying me through these days:

"There is nothing - no circumstance, no trouble, no testing - that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ right through me. If it has come that far it has come with great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret. - for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is! - That is the rest of victory!"     -Alan Redpath

Catching up

 I have been sick, yep, I finally came down with the virus that has been running through my home for three weeks as of today. UGH! 

Not to much has happened and yet a lot has happened since my last blog entry..

I did some experimenting with THIS recipe on "I dream about food" 

My mom suggested that it would make a good waffle recipe with some tweaking so I tweaked away and found an AMAZING waffle recipe, that is gluten free and sugar free.

 Here are the minor changes I made to the recipe:

1 cup almond flour
3 tbsp granulated erythritol
2 tbsp vanilla whey protein powder
4 tbsp flax seed meal
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp xanthan gum
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 cup butter, melted and cooled
2 large eggs
1 tsp almond extract
1/2 cup almond milk

Pour 1/4 cup onto well greased HOT waffle iron and TADA!

For the whipped cream I used heavy cream & half a jar of Strawberry Smucker's Simply Fruit Jelly (don't buy the "sugar free" as it has aspartame in it, be SURE it's simply fruit) Whip until peaks rise!

Serve over warm waffles with sugar free ORGANIC berries! (got mine in the freezer section, just defrost) 

There is some good protein in the waffles since they are made with almond flour, but you can always use more... SO, serve with a slice of warm ham... Also, not pictured here but we did have green juice this morning... BUT another good way to get veggies into your breakfast is to add sweet potatoes 

(another post coming on sweet potatoes soon!) 

Meanwhile sickness continues around here... This has been a REALLY nasty bug and it takes so long to make it's way through the whole family. But I'm rather beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Since I was the last one to catch it... Hopefully now we can mend.

Poor Evie-lou is on antibiotics now (double ear infection)  She's such a good natured girly though, Doesn't look that sick in these pictures does she.

OH, and Carter J got a haircut today, THAT was long coming, let me tell you... could hardly see the boy for all the hair! 

I continue to work on ideas (while I've been laying on the couch coughing) to help relieve stress and work around here for my health. I am having a really hard time with all of this to be just completely honest with you. It feels SO hard to impose upon my family in order to help myself. It's contrary to everything I've always strived for. To be a servant, to have a servants heart for my family.

I know in the long run that this will all amount to a training in my children that will be invaluable. But at the same time it doesn't make it easy when you have a child who is completely reduced to a hysterical sobbing mess because his world is changing in a manner that isn't to his liking. 

The biggest change we're going to make is in the boys schooling. 

I just simply can't keep up with it on my own anymore... The idea of sending them away is just not a possibility  (nor do I think it would be right) 

SO... We are now having a school week that starts on Thursdays and runs through Sundays. With double lessons spread throughout the four days to equal one more day.

"The Boss" will be schooling on the weekends and I'll be taking the week days. This will help lighten my load considerably. (even though they are less than thrilled, I hope that eventually this will be a good thing for all of us.)

Also, my grandparents have graciously offered to pay for me to have a cleaning lady (maid) come to our home to do the deep cleaning in the bathrooms. I am beyond excited about this, mostly because for quite some time it has been beyond my abilities physically to do this often. This will take pressure off of my husband more than I can say (in his already WAY to packed load of having to care for me and work)

Also, I MUST remove ALL toxins from our home... Even the most innocent of cleaners/soaps can be full of harmful things for your family.  (another post devoted to this topic to come too.) 

Last of all, I now have "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp laying on my desk in front of me.

NEVER in my life have I been so fearful and yet so excited to read a book.

This quote on the back made me cry moments after reading it:

"One Thousand Gifts beckons you to leave the parched ground of pride, fear, and white-knuckle control and abandon yourself to the God who overflows your cup."

Answers

 As I sit here this morning... papers in hand... Numbers and answers written all over them.

I am feeling peaceful yet confused, relieved yet fearful. I went to the doctors yesterday. I already knew what was coming somewhat from a phone call I'd received from the doctor a few weeks ago. But that knowledge didn't make the appointment any easier. 

 Many things were no surprise, anemia again, thyroid is off again, vitamins low again. But then. Then the big news.  My liver is failing. My body is full of toxins both chemical and also from the liver not working. 

 Stress

 STRESS

STRESS

That is what is causing a lot of the problem I guess... 

To much stress effects the function of your liver, and... I also learned yesterday that I have a genetic mutation of the liver pathways so it was already stressed before "life" stress gave it the final shove.

ALL of my symptoms everything I've been dealing with are the symptoms of the early stages of liver failure. 

I do NOT have lupus, but in all likely-hood I do have Hashimotos Thyroiditis which is also an autoimmune disease. (one more test to run for that)  I do NOT have celiac but because my liver is so stressed trying to work I have to be off of gluten until prayerfully we can make it work again. 

I have 6 weeks to try supplements, reduce the stress in my life and make some big changes before I will have to start trying more drastic measures. 

I need prayer, just thinking about how to reduce stress stresses me out! I don't know HOW!! 

Has life been stressful...

YES

3 family deaths, 4 adoption losses, illness, Caleb diagnosed with Epilepsy, Carter J's asthma out of control, tests run on Jaden and Taye, Evie had a VSD heart murmur. Watching friends suffer. I could go on, but I won't. 

STRESS

And yet... Peace... I have FINALLY seen my prayers answered

instead of treating symptoms I have ANSWERS. 

That is HUGE

It has been a long time coming, but I also look at where I am now.

Had I stayed with the doctors I was working with, in all likely hood I would have died within the next few months. 

BUT... God directed me to this doctor and she has run test after test working towards finding the cause for the symptoms so that now prayerfully we can fix the ACTUAL problem and not just the symptoms.