March Day 1: a hobby

of course my favorite hobby is photography but close behind is being creative and decorating...

Love when all three come together! 

I made this wall hanging from a pine board, spray painted it

then printed 6x9 pictures and modge podged them to the board and then put a big thick coat across the top.

Screw into the wall in a stud (it's kinda heavy) and WHALA! 

I'm not usually partial to black and whites, but something so 

classic as hospital pictures of my babes

just screamed for black and whites.

I added text to my pictures.... these are the important dates in my life... 

our marriage, our children's births... 

 I asked my husband to describe our marriage in three words or less... His answer:

Unwavering Dedication

Seriously... I love this man! 

I thought it'd be fun to show you a closer shot of each of our precious babies! 

(notice that the Lord planned out their birthdays, 

with the oldest first in the year and following IN ORDER down to the youngest...)

 Cool huh... God is pretty neat to give us little gifts like that. 

And just for fun.... because I talked about it recently, our kids names mean:

Caleb: Brave, bold & loyal......... Jaden: God has heard

Tayelan: God has been seen........... Carter: Deliverer 

Evelyn: Living Light......... Lydia, Noble Beauty

Even when you HAVE a plan... they say NO

 Since I seem to be reliving all of the "birth" stuff a lot recently, and since this blog is often a venue for me to write things to deal with them... I'm going to write about Taye's birth today.

 (Yesterday's was Jaden's birth VERY summed up, you can read MORE about his birth by Clicking HERE)

 I haven't really talked much about Taye's birth, mostly because I get SO angry when I think about it, and I honestly don't remember much of it past becoming ill...

 This is why I say that if I could have a baby again, I would birth at home.  Because even when you go in with a birth plan, they ignore you and do what THEY want to do. What is "hospital procedure."

 I don't think we have to entirely abandon the hospital, but the truth is, I NEVER had a good hospital experience so I'm VERY bias that it is not the best place to deliver a baby.  I've looked at birthing documentaries & blogs of ladies who deliver at home and such and see how quiet and relaxed home-births are,  Yes, painful, but relaxed and joyful.  Not full of people bossing you around and "intervening"

 With Taye, we knew as much that the epidural during Jaden's labor had caused it to stop, not only that but it had been VERY traumatic to get it. (poor hubby had to wear throw-up throughout the entire thing just for a start)

 We decided to get educated on natural pain management, and read through the books "The Bradley Method" and "husband coached childbirth" We practiced for a month before labor, finding just the right position in which to lay to relax completely.

 When the time came to check into the hospital I felt confident that I would make it through this labor and delivery completely natural. We had made our doctor aware of our plans and he seemed to be okay with it.

 I was so relaxed that I was feeling NO pain... I remember hearing the nurse talk to my husband and being shocked that I wasn't even flinching for the BIG contractions.  Anytime I would begin to tense up, my husband would gently touch the muscle that was getting tight and I would immediately relax it.

 Then, a tech came into the room and explained that he would be putting my IV in. My husband told him no, that he needed to leave me alone, that I was doing fine without it. The guy just shook his head and said he had to do his job and began to jab me.

 Because I was using the Bradley Method I was SO relaxed that he couldn't get a vein and he wanted me to sit up. I refused... Continuing to try to relax even with him really working my veins to get the IV in.  Finally with a pain that was like a bolt of lightning and broke my concentration he jabbed hard and collapsed my veins. He got mad and tossed the iv down on the bench my husband was sitting on and left the room.

 Shortly after that he came back into the room with another tech and they picked up the IV needle off of the bench and put it in. (remember, that needle was on an unsanitary surface)   At this point, all concentration on relaxation was GONE.

 After that the doctor (not mine, the one on call) came in and BROKE my water (again) even though we objected.  The pain was through the roof, as he checked for dilation the pain was far and above anything I'd ever lived through (remember, I'd had two babies one by c-section before that)  He was rough, and very unkind.. Everyone seemed so annoyed by my desire to have a natural birth and pushed drugs at me again. I continued to refuse.

 Not 10 minutes after the IV was inserted I developed a HIGH fever. (remember, the needle on the bench... yeah)   I don't honestly remember much of anything beyond that. Just a cloud of pain, illness and throwing up again.  I remember, cups of meds being pushed at me and the heartache of the birth I'd wanted down the tubes again as I was wheeled away for another c-section after 13 hours of labor because my baby's heart-rate was dropping, I remember crying that I was living through the same nightmare yet again of cord prelaps.

 My point with sharing this is... I know that Hospitals are not all bad, I KNOW that some women NEED to deliver there... But I seriously suggest looking into having a midwife and or a doula attending your birth... Sit down with these people and if you are using a doctor and make a birth plan with them, if your doctor is resistant to you having a plan, get another doctor. BE EDUCATED.

 The hospital views birth as a procedure... They are GOING to do "hospital procedure" whether you want it or not, unless you have someone who can fight for you.  I'd never heard of a doula until long after my last birth, I think it would have been a great support to myself AND my husband to confirm the things we already knew and to have someone with an education standing up for us WITH my husband.

Don't take this laying down... Cord prelaps can happen to YOU too...

 No, I'm not expecting... 

and I can never be expecting again. 

 Which is why I want to continually lay out there serious facts and education for mom's who are pregnant or want to be some day.

 I MISS looking like this, feeling those kicks and savoring all those moments that are so special about a new baby growing inside.

 (believe me, pregnancy does not out shine an adoption, both processes of expecting a baby are beautiful and incredible and one doesn't outshine the other.  However, this blog post is about delivery. I will say, both come with their own amounts of pain. It's just the way it is plain and simple.)

PLEASE take some time and read this great blog post 

http://truefemininity.blogspot.com/2011/06/lying-down-in-labor-and-other-birth.html

 Every now and then I go through long spans of time of really struggling with what has happened to me. Of nightmares about my boys births... They were NOT wonderful experiences like I'd always dreamed of.  I was drugged, and it was all surreal, my first moments with them stolen and the true gift of experiencing a birth was snatched away. Now, I will never know what it could have been.

 My last month has been plagued with nightmares, waking in tears remembering and grieving.

 You see, medical intervention CAUSED my emergency c-sections. My lack of knowledge allowed the SAME intervention to happen to myself and my sons not once but twice.

 We didn't know until after my body was destroyed that the doctors actually caused our c-sections. We didn't know until it was to late that ALL of my complications could have been avoided.

 If I could go back, (I know, silly to look back and think of all the whatifs, but I do... Often... So much has been taken from me.)  Anyhow, If I could, I would do what I had first wanted to do and gotten a midwife with my first son and had a homebirth... I would NOT listen to those who didn't agree.  If I could have anymore through pregnancy I would NEVER go to a hospital again. EVER...

 I know that there are times when a c-section is a necessity, I understand that, my mom had 5 days of non progressive labor with me. She HAD to have a c-section. But I didn't... I didn't need one, at least not until the doctors pushed and pushed the epidural on me telling me I couldn't do it without it, that I really needed it to rest... I got it at 7cms, and my labor stopped.  They almost immediately came in and said "we need to get you moving there are lots more women in the triage waiting for a room" and broke my water.  With the epidural and broken water I was not allowed out of bed and went to sleep only to awake later to alarms and the room flooding with nurses, internal monitors were attached to my baby (I was ASSURED it wouldn't hurt him, but after he was born there was a HUGE scab on his head)  They did this a few times before suddenly he went into distress

 being wheeled like a flash of light to the O.R. The doctor road my bed with her hand inside of me to hold my son's head up because he was dying.  Long story short, they had to knock me out for the birth.

 The last thing I remember before falling asleep was the doctor screaming at everyone in the room, throwing my husband out and my Jaden's heart stopping.

 What I know now is that... The epidural stopped the labor, which put some stress on him, then to get the contractions moving they broke my water, but because his head had NOT descended into the birth canal the cord fell in before him, because the cord was in front of him AND around his neck at this point every time he began to descend into the canal he strangled himself, slowly killing him throughout my labor.

 It put him into NICU... It nearly took his life.

 And I am here to tell you... Birth and labor is NOT an illness, it is a process which our bodies as women is built for, we should be given the time to labor naturally... Not shoved through the process as fast as possible on an assembly line so the doctor can make more money.

Not only did their "intervention" almost kill two of my babies, 

it has also left permanent damage on my body... I have pelvic lesions and so much scar tissue that I cannot live through a day without pain, and I can never cary a baby again because the uterus would rupture killing myself and my baby (words can't say how much I wish I could carry again.) 

 However, God's plans are perfect and we are blessed with our 5 beautiful children, I would not change that or any one of them.. God is faithful... YET, if I can save another woman from living through what I have, and the nightmares that follow, I will share my story over and over.

 To sum up, seriously consider a midwife or a doula really PRAY about it... get educated, don't allow them to break your water (your baby can be born with water intact, there is NOT a need for this procedure, they just do it to make your contractions stronger.)

Happy 8th Birthday to my miracle baby!!!

I thought in honor of Jaden's birthday I would share his birth story, I wrote this journaling about 3 years ago, it's so amazing to see how God works!
09-Mar-07
I have tried several times to sit down and journal my feelings about July 27th 2002. That wonderful yet awful day that Jaden Christopher was born. Every time I do I am at such a loss for words, how do you put such emotions down on paper when just thinking about it all brings tears to your eyes. Tears of both thanksgiving and of relief, yet of sadness at the same time.
Everything seemed to be going fairly normal, at about 11pm on the 26th I went into labor with Jaden and we headed off to the hospital. My dad met us there and picked up Caleb. Things moved along slowly and as they progressed I decided it would be a good time for an epidural. After the epidural was in and after throwing up all over my poor husband my labor began to slow, because it slowed the doctors decided to break my water in order to speed things up. I was napping and resting between contractions when all of the sudden alarms started going off,
I was so confused as nurses poured into the room and started picking me up making me get onto my hands and knees. The doctor came in and insisted that we place an internal monitor on Jaden’s head, because his heart rate had dropped so quickly. After all the craziness subsided we were moved into a delivery room. I remember thinking it was so wrong, something wasn’t right, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. As the next shift of nurses changed and our new nurse came in I was immediately uncomfortable with her. About an hour later Jaden’s heart rate started to drop again, that nurse just stood there and watched it, I remember my husband looking worried and asking her about it and she just started messing with the machine but didn’t do anything to help me. I remember fear just building up in my heart when again the room filled with nurses and doctors, yelling and shouting and making me get up on my knees again. I remember the doctor yelling for that nurse to just get out of the room. They worked and worked, I was 9 ½ centimeters dilated but they could not deliver him yet. Then his heart stopped, I remember the doctor actually getting herself up on my stretcher as she shouted out directions to everyone in the room and riding along with me to the operating room, I remember her apologizing several times that she could not deliver him without a c-section because I was not quite 10 centimeters, but that his heart had stopped and they had to deliver right away or we would loose him.
The operating room was even more chaotic then before, she kept trying to start the surgery but I could feel everything, the anesthesiologist worked and worked with my epidural but it was no use, they could not do anything to make me numb enough, just as she made the call to put me under for the surgery my husband walked in, I remember his eyes, he looked so scared. And the doctor immediately had the nurses take him out of the room because of me being under. I can’t even begin to describe the sheer panic that overwhelmed me at that moment.
When I woke up I couldn’t see, they said it was because of the medications they used to put me to sleep. I don’t remember to much, I could hear my husband on the phone.
Several hours later I still could not see very well, just make out shadows and light. I still had not seen Jaden, not that I remembered anyway. I had been told that they took him to NICU because he was having trouble breathing, something about transition. I think I went to see him, but couldn’t hold him because of all the iv’s and oxygen tubes. The nurses told me that they had never seen a baby with such a temper before, that he kept pulling all the tubes and everything off of himself. I am blessed by that the fiery temper the Lord gave to Jaden. Even to this day there are times I look at my child and praise the Lord for that fiery strong will He put into my Jaden, to help him survive it all.
Finally after Jaden being born in the morning I got to hold him and actually SEE him around midnight that night. He was just perfect! It was all worth it to finally hold my sweet baby! I remember being completely shocked at the full head of dark hair, which is now blonde!
Sadly my part of the story doesn’t end there, the nurse I had that night decided to prematurely take my catheter out and made me get out of bed, after practically begging her, telling her that I could not walk I was to dizzy she still insisted on getting me up and into the bathroom. I was almost in tears telling her I was going to pass out, the last words I remember hearing where, “oh no dear, your not going to pass out” And I did, I fell backwards and hit my head on the bathroom counter and then fell to the floor between the counter and the potty.
She got me back up and I warned her I was going to go again, and I did and fell forward onto the trashcan.
Then after returning home I developed an infection in my uterus.
My recovery was long and painful.
But yet, we moved on and had two more precious little boys and our life has gone on, not unaffected by the entire ordeal. No, we have grown, we have changed as we have learned to trust the Lord on an even deeper level. We still suffer the consequences of that original choice to receive the epidural, and the choice to break my water which led to cord prelapse which is what caused Jaden’s heart to stop. But even with it all life still goes on, and because of those choices I cannot become pregnant again. Before we got married my husband and I had talked in detail about our desire to have 3 or 4 children and then adopt 1 or 2 children. I believe that if everything had not happened with Jaden, we may not have ever come to the place where adoption looked like a reality, I believe the Lord guided our lives this direction because somewhere out there our precious little girl is waiting to come home.
And Jaden... He is my miracle!