When the big picture is overwhelming...

It's time to step further in and focus on the minor details...

I was sick the first half of the week, along with Princess Sunshine

and as life goes, when mommy gets sick, everything tends to fall apart...

I was SO overwhelmed by it all and worn thin in the hardness of parenting

the broken heart of mothering broken hearts...

I knew it was time to take a step closer, and find the small, the beautiful and remember 

that if the Lord makes incredible detail and beauty in even the smallest things 

He is all the more at work creating beauty in the BIG things in life

like my children and the complex needs each one...

If He creates such elegance in the death of a flower

Isn't He even more concerned with beauty in the life of His child

Remembering that He is at work in all the great and all the small details

Every moment

and every day...

So of course in the thick of this motherhood journey, 

He is creating beauty...

He is writing His story for each of these children

and refining me

I pray that knowing that...

encourages YOU

once upon a time....

She gazed out the window, 

out of breath from a good occupational therapy session at 

home with her boy her eyes began to brim with tears.

She skimmed past all the memories over the past 9 years.

She remembered the moments early on,

watching his chest rise and fall and then

pleading and begging the Lord to see it happen again.

She would never ever shake the look in the doctors

 eyes as he didn't say the words she knew...

It was bad.

Over the several next days no sleep came, 

a vigil had begun, a vigil of begging for breath

to fill the lungs of her infant son.

Little did she know that this vigil would be rekindled

 over and over in the following years.

The nightmare relived every time breath was taken from him;

panic became her constant companion 

but still she desperately fought for answers.

For understanding and ways to combat the fears that 

she had laid in the safe places of her heart.

He was different

She knew motherhood

she was a seasoned mama, 

but never had she had a child with such differences.

This wasn't just asthma, it wasn't just his chronic illnesses;

it wasn't only the seizures.

It was something more

Eventually she began to ask questions, 

but people simply told her she was just not consistent enough,

that she needed to spank more...

Or that she spoiled him.

She wore the badge of failure like a pro

and she believed the lies off and on.

Then one day like a floodgate the truth was opened up to her

by a movie and then by a seminar at her church.

This difference had a name!

Autism

There was a way to help him overcome some of these struggles.

She began to tirelessly fight and work towards getting him the 

help they both so desperately needed.

She fought and fought,

the first diagnosis came

Sensory processing disorder...

She felt a sigh of relief though that emotion only lasted

briefly as she realized that now having a name for their

struggles set them apart even further than they already were.

She cringed and her heart felt tight as she remembered mother 

whisking child away because it was not safe with hers

the amount of rejection became countless.

No opportunity to make things right, 

no help, no compassion held out

just.... seclusion.

This became her life.

As judgmental words were heaped upon her

"wow, some people just shouldn't be parents..."

"oh my, someone needs a nap, or a darn good spanking"

or the ever present eye roll and doozy

"my you have your hands full, you must be a saint; or your crazy"

She wept in the quiet places....

alone

in all honesty she came to adore that aloneness

it was easier than having to worry 

about the judgment or the pity and help of others.

She smiled as she remembered the day

sitting in that office of a doctor when he finally 

confirmed what she had known all those

years before

Autism

She walked to the car numb

but the emotions hit not long after

she let forth the deep choking sobs...

She was happy but heartbroken all in one moment.

She was thankful to be justified in her fight

but heartbroken to know that his entire life would be a battle.

The battle of judgement and pity would never end

the battle against the everyday things in 

life that he felt under constant attack from

they would never end.

she looked up at the daytime half moon as 

whisps of clouds trailed across it...

her heart always ached, 

that ache was as constant as breathing.

Even as she admired the Lord's creation

she could both be heartbroken, depressed even

and yet be filled with the deepest knowlege

 of peace and joy within her soul.

For she knew that though all those 9 years ago 

she never imagined the struggle that lay ahead of her;

and yet she wouldn't give up one minute of it.

Every moment of that struggle,

it had been unto her Lord, 

every moment of grief, every tear, every second of sorrow

they had been in HIS hands.

She never imagined once that she was perfect in the struggle

and at moments she wanted to throw in the towel and give up.

However, she knew and smiled gently as she remembered;

Those years and experiences

 had prepared her to be the mother HE needed her to be

not only for her incredible 9 year old boy, 

but her 10 year old who also had SPD

as well as her gorgeous SPD/Autistic 12 year old girl

whom the Lord predestined to be theirs forever.

He had set 7 precious children in her care and she easily 

loved each one purely and with her entire heart

for their individual special selves.

This mother, she hurt and she grieved at all the injustice, 

the illness and the evil in the world; at times it felt as if it would 

completely burry her alive, 

however at the same time, she was praising God for HIS hand in it all. 

For HE is a God of love, 

and she knows;

even when it seems only silence and evil reigns

it's Him who truly reigns.

He is about the business of redemption and unconditional love

every single moment...

Showing them Jesus

When I was a young lady 

I dreamt of one day being a wife, and a mother.

It was ALL I ever wanted to "be" in this life...

I simply wanted to love, be loved and nurture.

But I had

 (even though my mom always told me my ideal was unrealistic)

polished dreams of unrealistic life as a parent.

I thought I would spend hours snugging and reading stories,

doing cute little crafts and having brilliantly polite children 

who made me look great.

I put motherhood on a pedestal

to be something it was entirely it isn't

and I knew that quickly after the birth of our first son...

But even as a seasoned parent when child number four made his way into this world

sound asleep and angry as all get out for having been woken from his nap.

Little did I know this small person would take everything I knew about 

motherhood and blow it out of the water.

Little did I know that I'd learn more from him than I'd have to offer him.

I've learned that my ideals of the past were truly worthless. 

While having well groomed children who say please and thank you 

is a "nice" thing.

It's not a necessity.

All that TRULY matters when parenting boils down to one thing

one simple thing.

Do they know God?

Do they seem Him displayed in their parents actions and words.

Everything else, socially polite children

children that clean up after themselves

Those things are secondary,

important and pleasant, but NOT top priority.

Yesterday as I sat on the floor with two children in hysterics,

one in a swing and the other writhing on the floor behind me.

I gently pushed the swing for one and used a weighted blanket

and pillow to give some deep pressure to the other

a third child on my lap arms around my neck.

I just shook my head and giggled small

my grand ideas were so wrong, they never envisioned a room full 

of children crying, being attacked from all sides by the simple parts of life that

most of us never even notice, the whistle of the air flowing through the heater vents

the sunlight streaming through the windows

the scratchy spot on a shirt from the zipper, always always under attack

 and every now and then all control is lost. 

There are moments where my tears flow freely 

where my heart is broken, where I am tired and tired of trying

there are moments when I think I've finally reached the limit of what

I can handle, there times I go beyond that limit

But in it all I praise God

Because without these children, these incredible amazing children

who are wired so very differently I'd still be fighting to attain perfection

and entirely wasting this life away.

Being a mother isn't about being perfect, or even looking perfect

being a mother is a call to servanthood, sacrifice and learning to lay down self

when you think you have no self to lay down.

It's about reflecting Jesus to our children.

Jesus gave us the model for motherhood as he hung on the cross,

the crowd jeered at him, hurt him, flung insults at him

He was tired, in pain, hurting and yet he had compassion on them

"Father forgive them, for they know not what they do"

THAT fellow mamas is mothering;

all children, but it's something my "special needs" kids have taught me in abundance.

When I am jeered at, hurt, insulted, tired, in pain

I must forgive them and beg the Lord for forgiveness for them.

Grace, I must give them grace.

girls night

a few weeks ago my three girls and I had a wonderful night out... The older two got their hair cut and then braided...  Then all four of us went out to dinner! 

 I love making special memories with my kids like this! 

Say it often

There are some things that we should say, as parents

to our children...

OFTEN

Do you say this to your children (individually) at least once a day?

I love you

You are amazing

You are God's beautiful creation

God doesn't make mistakes

I'm sorry

I forgive you

Did I mention I love you?

You CAN do it

I admire _____ about you

Give your best effort, don't worry about the outcome

oh... and... I love you!

I have learned over the years as a mama to a very special group of children, 

each with their own specific needs, trials and strengths...

Nit picking, being frustrated and being headlong focused on punishing their wrongs

doesn't motivate good behavior... It may scare your children into it, but it is NOT

where their heart is.

Encouragement, unconditional love and praise

THOSE things are key to a true relationship with your child and a heart attitude that is then

reflected in good behavior.

None of us is perfect

We shouldn't expect our children to be.

As one of my very most literally children often says;

I'm not tryin' to be mean... I'm just sayin'......

Excellent article, please take the time to read it!

I couldn't EVER say it better than this fellow mom says it...  and it's REALLY important to me for those who love us to read it:

Click here:  http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-1144495

reply to a comment

"I understand how you feel, however, I believe, as Christians, we should help keep families together as much as possible. I believe there is a major problem with modern day adoption. Adoption should be for true orphans, not children who have families. I realize that sometimes the family feels they can not care for the child but those instances should be few and far between. Many birth moms change their mind and feel that they were coerced into giving their baby up. International adoption has its faults too. I do believe adoption can be redeeming and beautiful when there is a true need."




 I feel the need to address this comment... Because at the heart of the comment I see the hint that my daughters should have stayed with their birthmothers, that their adoptions aren't "noble" or "right" 

 Here is something that people don't know... The whole story. People don't know why my daughter's birthmothers chose adoption for their babes... They don't know the circumstances that led these ladies to contact an adoption agency and they don't know the life that was led. Those are not details I am going to share here, because they are my daughter's stories, they are THEIR details. 

 Adoption is sacrifice and love. Purest love. Yes, if a family can raise a child, they should of course. But in some cases these birthmothers know in their heart that they cannot give a child what they need, they can and DO love them, but beyond that they know that they are unable to provide, financially, emotionally, physically, stability, safety and on and on. 

 So these mothers out of LOVE do what they know is best for their child. They sacrifice their own wants and needs and they place their child above those things. My daughter's birth moms... those women are incredible. They are heroines! I have contact with one of them, and she LOVES that girl, she loves her enough to lay down her own life FOR her. 

 She is a picture of true love. They both are...

 So, you can imagine that this comment cuts me to the heart when it implies that my daughters don't belong with me, or that their birth moms might have been coerced into giving them to me.  It just isn't the case. AT ALL 

 now, are their failures in the adoption system? absolutely. But is newborn or international adoption not an adoption of a "true orphan"? no... it's just simply not. 

 You might argue, but those girls had a mom... yes, but so did Moses... and Jesus had a Father. But did that change the plan God had for them to be adopted? no

 Evelyn and Lydia were designed, planned and created to be in MY arms from the foundation of the world and their adoption is a beautiful picture of God's adoption us as Christians.   

His plans are greater than our plans...

Today as I drove home from a doctors appointment that was very much out of my comfort zone;

I felt frustrated, tired and just all around irritated. 

"Lord, I just don't get it... 

Why do I have to deal with pain with no answers; what on earth is the purpose of it?!" 

It was one of those moments... Truly, if I was a cartoon you'd have seen a lightbulb flicker on 

above my head with the sudden illumination to things of deep pondering that I rarely voice out 

loud, to myself, the Lord and certainly not to other people. 

But in the midst of this understanding I rather think may be an encouragement for others in this 

people pleasing culture we live out our lives in. 

The good news, I do not have any permanent nerve damage in my back or legs.

The bad news, I live in pain, with no reason as to why.

Except this...

I am controlling

Yep, seriously unwaveringly irritatingly controlling.

I like my ducks in a row, 

I like my home picture perfect

 (okay, those of you who know me personally can STOP laughing now)

Letting go of having a perfect home has been a work in progress 

of my slowly prying my white knuckled 

grip off of that one... 

I realized that if I didn't have physical limitations, my children's training would be sorely limited.

I don't think they would have nearly the depth of

 understanding of God's love if I did everything around our home. 

I don't think they'd be learning responsibility if I was able to do it all for them. 

I can promise you, if I was capable physically of keeping up with it all 100% I would be

IN CONTROL

But the Lord is showing me He doesn't want me to micro manage my home,

He wants me to train them how to care for a home, how to serve a family, how to love each other

with sacrificial love, which means that sometimes you gotta scrub the potty for your mama! 

My kids will be prepared for real life

Because the Lord has gifted me with chronic back pain

My kids are learning not only skills, but heart lessons that if I was in control...

they would not have.

God's plans truly are best.

I have learned in the quiet of the night to cling to Him in the pain

I know His heart for me more clearly through pain than I ever would if everything was rosy. 

So, I encourage you, chronic pain or not... 

know that the Lord desires your children to grow in skill and in character...

Not just be served and catered to! 

(have a childhood, TOTALLY... Make it fun! But teach them the joy in service too) 

I've learned over the past year,

 in several ways that not only is this NOT something to feel guilty about, 

it IS something to be incredibly thankful for! 

pretty girl

 

I just could never put into words how much I love her

how much I adore holding her, burying my nose in her soft curls

kissing her forehead when she firmly plants it against my lips for "kssss" 

oh how I adore her smiles, and her sweet gentle spirit.

I LOVE it when her first word ever was mama, how she cried and cried saying mama until I 

took her and then she placed her chubby little fingers on my cheeks and looked me in the eye

and with such emotion said "MAMA" and then snuggled in.

My heart bursts with love

I am so blessed by this little one, 

so incredibly blessed and not one moment of this blessing is lost on me.

I love that sparkle in her eyes, the little rolls on her thighs.

How she lights up our world.

I love you Lydia with my whole entire heart!

a letter to my son

My precious son,

you have faced things that would make even most adults quake.

You have weathered storms in this broken world and grappled with things that I wish with all 

my being I could have shielded you from.

But yet; my prayer for you as I rocked in your nursery awaiting your entrance into this world

 was that God would have your heart.

That He would teach you to be a brave and bold leader and that you would be faithful and loyal

 (the meaning of your name) 

I imagine sometimes you feel broken, 

why epilepsy for a time...

why losses...

just why...

But here is a very real truth that I want you to remember all of your days; 

take it and savor it in your heart, never ever lay it down.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

You are called according to His purpose, you are His

He desires your heart to be surrendered to Him more than anything else.

Sometimes He strips away everything that we desire and depend upon my boy,

that is never a bad thing, though it may be painful to give up our ideal

He means it for good.

Have no other gods before Him

that means anything that 

distracts us from seeing His face, even if it is a good thing.

We learn through loss to cling to Him, we learn through suffering to cling to Him.

We also learn to empathize and support others as they live in this crushing place.

God doesn't make bad things happen to you, or to our family

sin does that

the fall in the garden all the way back is what does it.

But He does use it.

And I can promise you, if God allows us a trial

it is perfectly placed, allowed through His hand and will work for our good.

Trust Him

Cling to Him as you process and as you grow up

I love you so much, it is immeasurable

His love is even greater.

~mommy

gracious words

Proverbs 16:24

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Last Friday night my son was running up and 

down the meal tables at our church. sigh... yeah...

My instant reaction
(because his father was standing right beside him and I thought he saw said boy leap onto the tables)
was to make a joke about how I didn't know that child. 

(I try to deflate hard situations with humor... It's my defense against going totally batty!)

However, off to the side of me in another group I became painfully aware 

of great judgement growing and heard comments that tore my mothers heart.

Not so much because I cared what people think of me,
though I will say I've had a small struggle with the things that were said.

But because it is SO deflating to hear negative words.

It is hard when you already constantly second guess
 everything you do as a parent as it is, 
when you have to entirely relearn parenting because everything

you have done with the other kids that worked doesn't work with one child.
Everything you ever believed about parenting is blown clear out of the water!

AND it's not because that child is bad, it's because that child is wired differently.
(he had also just had a seizure)

In great contrast to Friday night, 

on Saturday morning we went out to breakfast.

 As we got up to leave we had 4 separate people

(waitresses and people at other tables) 

stop us and tell us what a beautiful family we had, 

one woman even said that we had made her day and put a smile on her face.

I was in quiet tears as we walked to the car.
Quiet tears because my heart GREATLY needed the encouragement.

Our kids were not perfect while we ate, in fact there was even a meltdown.
But we loved him through it, we parented through it.
We enjoyed our kids

and... I was totally oblivious anyone was watching us.
Overall I've trained myself to ignore other's reactions for the
most part because of so much scathing judgment in our world;
I mean seriously if you were gonna judge someone it sure is us!!

Anyhow, my point here is this
When we judge another person and say things in their hearing
 or even not in their hearing we are tearing them down;
 we don't know what battle that person is fighting and even if someone
 appears to have totally dropped the ball judging them isn't going to
encourage them to do better.
 It will only discourage them and add to whatever burden they may be enduring.

Better to take a perfectly imperfect situation and find a way to build up
someone, stranger or not.
You have no idea what a healing balm it was that complete strangers
would take a moment to be gracious towards us.
Truly, it was sweet to my soul and healing to my bones.

A mother of six

I'm here

I'd be lying if I said there weren't moments I didn't think it would happen.

but it did and

I am blessed to be a mommy of 6 children.

A day in our lives

This is a VERY picture heavy post, because it is a photo journal of one of our days.
I took over two hundred photos but chose just the ones that best describe our lives to share.

This project started out in my head about a week ago; 

I got to thinking that as we are on a waiting list to get our beans evaluated for Autism perhaps it would 

be a helpful thing for the evaluators to see what a few different days are like for him (outside of the eval)

I have no idea if it will actually be useful or not,

but I truly found that as I shadowed my kids with a camera today it will certainly be useful for me. 

I realized a few places that we need to pray about improving our 

schedule but I also found moments that I would have likely overlooked.

Moments to be thankful for! 

So enjoy a very VERY honest look at just an average day around our home.

My hope is that in sharing here I can encourage other moms!


8:55am

Carter J almost always starts out our mornings spending some time with Lydia, he ADORES her. She makes him smile like nobody else can.

about 10 mins later he's hungry again,
breakfast #2 here

 he NEVER finishes,
2 more uneaten snacks will follow.
often they end up smashed up,
especially if it is crackers
or chips... Don't understand this,
 he's done it since he was tiny.

 9:20am

time for some OT, I try to make this time happen
 every morning before asking anything of him.

the other kids have joined in OT and Lydia is awake, time for smiles and wiggles! 

Something breaking in our house is a daily thing,
 this is just because of poor spacial awareness
it is not behavioral.

OT is getting a little out of hand... I ask them to calm down.

My shadow Mort,  He's a good dog!

9:40am

as I feared, OT without me got to be to much, first meltdown of the day...
Quiet space calmed him pretty fast.

I want to explain here that when I say meltdown this is not a behavioral tantrum,
this is unresponsive, he isn't looking for any feedback or to be consoled..
 In fact if I try he usually escalates. He sits and stares and screams no over and over,
getting what he wants does nothing...
Only quiet spaces bring him back when he gets like this.

Time to dress the princess and practice some tummy time... I ADORE her!

Evie asks me to take her portraits
in her new bird shirt.

BRRRRR, it snowed last night!

10:11am

SUCESS! First day this week I got him to get dressed without a battle!
 He'd been in PJ's for a while.
I should mention here, it's a "hood up" kind of day.
I can tell when he picks a hood and doesn't
lower it, he is feeling very overwhelmed by
 all the input and is over aroused. "High engine"

Time to start school, while I get the big kids going, Evie gets to play with an educational toy.

10:15am

Caleb's favorite place to work, his bed.

Let the obsessing about the missing lego guy commence.
 This is day 6 of not being able to
let it go that we cannot find it. He CANNOT be redirected...
 I give him 5 mins alone
to calm down and then inform him he needs
 to come start his school work.

Jaden works hard.

Some days it's better to have a sibling explain math, not sure why just is. He asked for me to go away and for Jaden to help.
He finished his lessons in record time.

and went right back to obsessing about the lego guy.
Maybe he is on the shelves above the washer.
I spend my life finding him UP HIGH.
 Last week he was trying to climb out
an upstairs window onto the roof because
 he thought the lego guy might be up there!!! 

It bears mentioning here that we spent a good hour looking for everybody's shoes,

 I HATE shoes, they are my nemesis.

Finally in the car and Taye has his first meltdown of the day,
He doesn't do well with transitions and HATES
going into the city because it is so "loud and busy".

11:47am

Grocery shopping, I've found that giving Carter J a job a REALLY important job makes our trips out much more tolerable.
Holding Lydia makes both him and her happy!  We ate lunch in the car.

SO thankful for my big boys helping get Lydia in and out of the car,
it truly kills my back!
Visiting a friend for her birthday and playing with friends.

2:54pm

Back home and the hood has come down...
Now he is seeking BIG time.
and continuing to obsess about the lego guy,
 now he thinks it's in
the big brother's room.

tempers flare.

I set Evie up with some books for a quiet time

Taye and Jaden put away the few groceries I managed to
 grab in my confusion of shopping with six,
not because of the kids (they were excellent)
 but because people think we are such a sight that they ALL have
to stop and ask me a million questions
 and ask if they are ALL mine. 

3:05pm

Taye's engine goes WAY high, he has a meltdown (meaning inconsolable)
I wait for him to become responsive
 and I send him to do some serious swinging
and grabbing stuffed animals off the floor while he
 swings and then making baskets with them.
GREAT for that Vestibular system.

Chore time

REALLY struggling, angry and overwhelmed... I step in and work with him doing some swinging and flipping.

He calms down and feels better.

still seeking and chewing on everything... angry at everyone.
Wants to be alone but can't keep himself there.

taking a body break all alone for about 10 mins.

Jaden helps Evie do her chores and then marks them down on his Ipod for her to show daddy when he gets home.

then he plays piano for her.

 through most of this I've hardly put her down, time for a diaper change and some playtime.

back onto the lego guy... I'd pay a hundred dollars for that lego guy now... Seriously!!! 

My awesome worker finishes up the last of his chores.

 3:39pm

Now he is sure someone STOLE said lego guy.

stimming... I try turning on some classical music... no dice

I have Jaden feed Lydi this bottle so that I can go give Carter J
some joint compressions and try to help him out.

Taye does his chores (by the way, he sweeps EVERY day... I don't get it! Messy people!) 

I'm looking at the clock every few moments now...
 getting worn out.

He goes into complete shut down and rocks for about 10 minutes, won't answer me and I don't dare touch him.

out of pure desperation to sit down I put on a ballet movie for Evie.

I sit down and look at the spd private
 group I'm in for a moment
to remember I'm not the only mom out here doing this.
Caleb reads his Bible on his Ipad

4:45pm

His arousal is to low now, he crashes completely.

Daddy is home!!! Whew... we survived!

time for daddy to check in everyones chores and school work... I love that accountability.

He storms into the kitchen and starts working,
I think YEAH his arousal is coming back to just right... Wrong... He's just showing us how displeased he is
Walks around inside the sack for about 30 mins.

5:54pm

rocking again; no words

comes out "just fine" and wants to vacuum to get his star for his chores today.

dinner time, notice that most of the meal he stood by the table... upset about something.

she is SO stinking cute!!! 

daddy time! 

6:43pm

another meltdown

after he calms we get him in his body sox

works great for about 30 mins

stuck on the lego guy again... ALMOST bedtime... 

Now of course this is just a peak into our days,
I didn't do much housework yesterday because I was simply taking pictures.

There is also reading and snuggling and playtimes that I didn't get pictures of because
I was a part of it.
I hope that this gives some understanding
 of how the days of a homeschool mom with a couple of special needs kids goes,
 no two days is the same honestly. (except the obsessing about something)

Please please, ask me questions,
 about anything you saw in today's post...
I would LOVE to answer them in a follow up post.