Mountains

Sing, O heavens, for the Lord has done it; shout, O depths of the earth; break forth into singing, O mountains, O forest, and every tree in it! For the Lord has redeemed Jacob, and will be glorified in Israel.

~Isaiah 44:23~

Lakeside love

Sharing another GORGEOUS custom dress by

Beautiful Brown Eyed Girl Boutique

As I have edited these portraits of a truly beautiful young lady I have been overwhelmed with waves

of thanksgiving and joy; to the point of tears. (by the way it's hard to edit with tears)

You see, this young lady is a gift to a terribly wounded heart...

Mine

Four years and nine months ago I lost a child. It was painful and wretched.

But the day I lost her, I was sitting at a kitchen table of my precious sister/friend and praying quietly while 

she prepared dinner for her family.

I looked up and I just knew... I knew this princess was one the way, I also knew she was a girl.

I knew she was a gift to my wounded heart.

God is the giver of great and wonderful gifts; 

He bestows on His children such lavish love in such special ways.

So as my "faith" was to be tested greatly through the trials I was to face in the coming year;

He whispered to my heart, like a butterfly lighting on a flower

"I am with you, I love you and I work all things together for your good." 

I savored this knowledge quietly in my heart and I prayed for her as she grew within her mama.

When she was born, He whispered to me again; "I am here, I love you..."

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and 

saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

No matter what you face today, know the truth;

"He loves you; He is working for your good if you love Him and are called according to His purpose"

There are no words, none that can capture the awe I feel when I see these two, both incredibly spunky

I look at them holding hands and I hear Him whisper "I am here, I am holding you together and I love you"

Misconceptions about a blogger

Since starting my blog back in 2009 I've been through a roller coaster of events.

many of which have been shared here with you; my readers.

My reason for starting my blog was initially professional, 

I started it as a way to easily update my most recent photography work.

 However, I quickly realized that this blog would be a great and easy way to

 update all of our friends and family in a time of great grief 

without having to retell the details of our losses over and over, reliving the pain every time. 

I also realized that it was the perfect outlet for me to write. 

Writing is a way that I often work through things that don't make sense in my own heart and 

sitting down and seeing my thoughts in black and white makes it easier for me to 

understand them and deal with them accordingly.

What I didn't expect was that writing would become two things for me,

 a ministry and a public letter to my Lord that would in turn encourage others.

I have been open and vulnerable on this blog.

I have shared my heart and I have shielded my heart.

I am encouraged to continue doing so; 

there are however three misconceptions that people seem to have about a blogger;

1. I don't expect people to read everything I write.

2. Simply reading my blog is not having a relationship with me. Sorry.

3. My blog is not a platform that I use to blast or get digs in on those I know personally.

I just whole heartedly want people to understand that nothing 

I EVER post on this blog are for any of the reasons above.

So I want to explain each of these items a little further:

1. I don't expect people to

read everything I write.

Really, I write this blog simply for the Lord. I write it to capture our struggles and our triumphs.

 I write it for whomever the Lord leads to read it, but even that is only a secondary reason.

If you haven't read my blog in ages, you don't need to apologize.

2. Simply reading my blog is not 

having a relationship with me. Sorry.

This is probably the saddest thing about blogging to me. 

But the truth is friends, unless you are giving too, there is no relationship.

Keeping up with our news 

(which  by the way is only the news, struggles and info I CHOOSE to share online) 

is not building a relationship with me. 

There is a person behind the blog, a woman who is relational. 

A woman who is honored when she is confided in and invested in.

This blog has opened the door for many amazing friendships that I cherish 

(the internet is SO amazing that way) 

But those friendships are two way.

 Not just a "hey I read your blog" though reading blogs

 is a part of those friendships it isn't "what" those friendships are.

3. My blog is not a platform that I 

use to blast or get digs in on those I know personally.

I know that from time to time I tackle topics of controversy. 

I don't do this because I saw the "splinter" in my brother's eye because believe me, 

I am well aware of my own "planks".

I post on those topics with the prayer that the things the Lord has shown me, 

the things that He has convicted my own heart of might be of encouragement to others.

We as Christians are supposed to sharpen one another. 

I am NOT a vengeful person, I don't say, write or do things to dig at others and I pray 

that this is clear when I am posting on whatever the topic may be; 

Entertainment, parenting, modesty, Sensory Processing, 

Adoption or any other subject that I post about.

My heart is simply to share....

My heart.

So as I continue this blog; whatever turns it may take

my greatest prayer is that my words, my photography,

 my thoughts and the part of my heart that is on display 

for you to read; that they would simply

 bring Glory to my Lord and encourage you in your walk with Him as well. 

Of adoption and the healing of a crushed spirit.

 We will see, but I think it's finally here... A lift in my horrible case of writers block. I was blessed to be awake before the sun rose this morning and I got up as quietly as I could and slipped on my heavy robe and slippers and beckoned to my dog to follow me as I headed outside to sit and watch the sunrise.  The sunrise did NOT disappoint! It was beautiful. As I watched that first glimmer of golden light slowly slip over the mountains and bathe them in glorious shades of orange and pink I felt this sharp pang of pure delight.

 That reminder that the Lord truly did lift a weight from my heart beside the ocean a few weeks ago.  That trip to the ocean was like, I don't know... Like it HAD to happen before my heart could move on. I didn't know until we returned home that part of my husband's design in our trip had been to go back and redo the same things we had done after we lost baby Victoria in 2008. (click here for more on that)  To redo them the right way. I didn't realize until I began to see the familiar sights on the drive there that not only did my husband need to do this, but so did I. Desperately.

 I NEEDED to see Evelyn play on that beach. I needed the finality of her journey home, even though it's final... I needed to round out the entire journey and going back to the place on the edge of the deep where I stood and allowed the sound of the waves to wash over my broken heart on the first sunrise of 2009. It HAD to happen.

 You see, while I clung to the Lord fervently through our adoption journey to our Evie girl.... Our journey to Lydia has been a little different in my heart.  I have been struggling through anger, bitterness and fear. (for more than the adoption losses, but this is about the adoption) All of which were sin. I knew they were and I was pretty miserable in them.  I was angry that the Lord began this journey with a painful loss, not only of a baby but of a good deal of trust in others.  But I realize now...  I in my own pride believed I knew a better way than the Lord.

 Ugh, I hate even saying that. But... It's the truth. I realize now that our Lord is SO faithful and even when everything around me feels broken and wrong. It's not. I realize that I am not under condemnation for my weakness, or for my mistrust of the One who is trustworthy.  But that: "Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mountains of God." ~Psalm 36:5-6~

 I LOVE that He uses such precious ways to help me understand Him. I can look at the sky, the clouds and the mountains and have my breath taken away by their beauty and awestruck by their height, I can understand this.

 The promise He has poured over my heart as I have re-entered into His word and into His fellowship:

 "I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. The pour man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles." ~Psalm 34:4-6~

 "When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed spirit." Psalm ~34: 17-18~

 I am hard headed because it took me a very long time to cry for help. But now... Now my Lord is reviving and saving my very crushed spirit. Now I feel like He is putting the pieces of my heart together, not in the same way... But in a new way. A way prepared for the timing when He brings my precious little Lydia home. Oh how my heart longs for it... But no longer is it a longing mixed with bitterness and anger... It is a simple sweet waiting, a waiting in expectancy for how the Lord will work all things together for the good of those who love him, written into Lydia's story.


 Last Sunday the Lord spoke through our Pastor at church (which I might add it was the first time I have willingly attended church since January) anyhow, this statement struck my heart on a chord SO deep I really can't even explain it:

"Anxiety is the loss of hope, or putting your hope in the wrong place"

 Hope has been a thread woven throughout Lydia's story... A thread that the Lord used one of the precious ladies at the adoption agency to place the first strands of into my heart. On this journey I sorrowfully admit that I lost my hope in the Lord. But with these reminders, my hope has been given back and THAT in itself is such an amazing and precious gift.

 Lydia has ALWAYS been wanted. She has ALWAYS been written on my heart and I have such incredible hope that I WILL hold her one day.

Psalm 118:23-24 (New International Version)

 ²³ the LORD has done this,
       and it is marvelous in our eyes.
 ²⁴ This is the day the LORD has made;
       let us rejoice and be glad in it.


 This Friday we are to renew our home-study.   WHEW... big step... Big choices right now! 


 We are not currently going to jump back into actively looking for another baby, just keeping our paperwork up to date so that perhaps next year or when the Lord directs we might begin again to find our precious Lydia.


 Everything feels so up in the air right now as to the Lord's direction, especially with the kids health. However we are stepping out in faith trusting that the Lord will have us pursue and find her soon enough to warrant updating paperwork rather than allowing it to laps.. 


 This is both beyond exciting and yet very nerve wracking for me! You see, I now know what the journey is like, what the cost to the heart can be. Yet, thinking that one day God will bring home a little girl, who is just as perfect a fit as each of our other children. How could one not be willing to face it all!?

Update on our Monkey baby!

This morning we had our appointment with the neurologist for Caleb.  It was a verrrrrrry long appointment (I think nearly two hours) and SO full of information that it is really hard to even think through sharing it with you all.

 The EEG did not fall into line with Caleb's symptoms when he has a seizure, it showed one small seizure while he was asleep but it wasn't the same type as the ones he is having when he is awake. She didn't really seem to come to a certain diagnosis, she did say she leans towards saying he has epilepsy (which is a person who has two or more grand mal seizures)  But that because of the inconsistency between those two things it is hard to diagnose for sure.

 Also, because he had a seizure when he was two it also throws another wrench into the works as far as saying that these seizures are caused by hormones (which would have been her guess) that as he heads into his preteens there are hormones that are causing them.  She said that most of the time kids who get seizures at this age get them because of hormones and they grow out of it (with the help of medication to get them through it) by the time they are old enough to drive.  She is unsure if that will be the case with Caleb.

 We begin seizure medications with Caleb tomorrow morning and have a slow six week period to add to the dosage we'll start with until we get to the dose she wants him on. He has to go two full years completely seizure free before she'll take him off of the medications and at that point we'll be feeling it out to see if they come back or not.

 He will be going in for an MRI (not sure when it will be at this point) but she wants to make sure that it isn't an inflamed blood vessel or a small blood leak into the brain that is triggering the seizures. (if it is I think it means surgery) She was very clear that she doesn't think that is what is going on but that she wants to be as thorough as possible and mark EVERYTHING off the list.

 If he has another seizure while on the medication she'll do another EEG on him.

 The medication she prescribed for him is what she said is her favorite because the side effects are the most mild... Extreme sleepiness and possible behavioral issues. So... We will see what comes of it all, there are a few more options if this medication causes problems.

 I am VERY happy to say that all of his restrictions are lifted except swimming... So we can finally travel again, he can ride a bike again and be a kid... She said that putting him in a bubble would actually put more stress on him and could cause more stress and seizures.

 We're going camping!!!!

My hero

I am VERY very thankful for our Caleb, for our firstborn son.  Just the other night we were discussing with our kids why they thought that the Lord made Caleb the firstborn, the oldest in the family. The answer we got from most everyone was that he was to be a leader and a protecter.

 Last night, our Caleb shined like a STAR! And today he is my hero.  I'm going to work hard not to cry while I write this post.  We went to visit with some friends last night and because of snow and ice had to park quite a ways away, no big deal we're mountain folk!

 As we got out of the car we had several things to carry so we asked Caleb to take Carter J's hand and lead him up the driveway.  Because it was dark, they sort of missed the driveway.

 All of the sudden (we were right behind our kids) we heard Carter J scream and Caleb started yelling for help and saying "he's gone, he's in the hole but I've got him."  Hubby rushed to them to find that Caleb was just lifting Carter J out of a manhole. When Carter had stepped on the lid it flipped open and he fell in, but because Caleb was doing his job of being the older brother, he was holding on to Carter J and protecting him. He didn't let go at all and was able to save Carter J from falling all the way into the hole. (about 7ft deep we discovered later when hubby got a flashlight in order to rescue Carter J's favorite shoes that fell off of his feet when he fell)

 I just keep looking at my Caleb today and feel so blessed to have such an amazing son. He has always taken very seriously his role of the firstborn, he has always watched out for his younger siblings and last night that paid off huge!  I imagine that if Carter J had fallen all the way he would have been seriously hurt.

 So, In honor of my firstborn son I thought to share my two most favorite pictures ever taken of Caleb and Carter J together... They are both old pictures but they both just show the incredible bond these two boys of mine have!

 I just had to add, I just called Caleb in to tell him just how proud of him I was. His response. "Thank you mommy, but it's you and daddy that trained me this way"

the sparrow

Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. ~Luke 12:7b~

I love watching all of the birds at my feeders. I keep them full most of the year (we skip the later summer months because of the bears)

Anyway, I just watch them as they hop about and gather up their meals, as they flit from branch to branch and   I am so completely overwhelmed by how much the Lord loves me... Completely overcome by the understanding that not one of these tiny little feathery fellows falls without the Lord knowing it, yet He loves me so much more. Nothing happens even in a sparrow's life (or white breasted nut-hatcher in this case) apart from the Lord's will, how amazing it is that He our loving father is orchestrating our lives as well as the lives of the little birds who sing His praises. 

What a grand love He must have for us if we are worth even more than these! I have spent many moments standing at my window with such a wave of emotion washing over me as I think of how much the Lord loves His creation, how much He loves me! WOW

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. ~Matthew 10:29-31~

Evie is OKAY!

After the whirl wind of getting a call from the agency saying that there was a baby girl waiting at the hospital for us, and finally having the excitement of it all sink in... Falling instantly in love with our daughter the release visit from the doctor at the hospital was to say the least a shock.

He simply said without even looking up "they've filled you in on her heart problem right?" To his credit he was new on the scene and had no clue of any of her or our history. I remember feeling like I'd been punched. When we said no he didn't say a word and just left.. a few moments later he came back with a nurse who listened to our Evie's heart. She stood up with a puzzled look and said that yes she heard it too but hadn't earlier in the morning.

Long story short we were given instructions how to watch for signs that her heart was not working because he suspected that she had a V.S.D. Which is a hole in the tissue that separates two chambers of the heart. I remember them explaining it all but by that point it was all a fog to me, fear washed over me. After the doctor walked away I was able to sit down and pray for peace and for safety for my baby, the boss and I reassured each other and within moments we were covered with the strength to face whatever might lay ahead of our baby.

We had two pediatricians look at her after we left the hospital and both say that they didn't "think" it would be an issue but that they wanted us to see a cardiologist to be sure. Just the word Cardiologist sent fear into every fiber of my being. But again drew strength from the Lord.

Yesterday was the BIG Cardiologist visit. The Lord so faithfully covered my heart in His peace, I was ready to hear whatever the cardiologist had to say good news or bad anything was going to be better than this constant waiting and wondering, a plan was my prayer.

And after a few hours of tests, with millions of wires hanging off of my baby an echocardiogram we were given the news.... our baby is going to be FINE! She does have a hole in her heart, it IS a V.S.D. BUT.... it is small and the doctor said that he believes that it is closing up slowly. He even said that his guess was that when in the womb the hole was quite large but that he is seeing what he believes to be new tissue surrounding the hole and it is shrinking. He did still want to see her back in a few months to make sure that things are still going good, but we can now stop worrying every time she won't take a bottle easily or any of the many other things that just FREAK you out when you have the possibility of a baby with serious problems.

He said to treat her like a normal kid because she is. I was ready to praise the Lord no matter the outcome of yesterday's appointment. But this is such a beautifully lighthearted praise! God is faithful! And our Evie is healthy and going to be fine!