It's us!

We created this video to share with our church on Sanctity of Life Sunday.
We also dedicated Lydia that morning.  Enjoy, and please, feel free to share.

Lakeside love

Sharing another GORGEOUS custom dress by

Beautiful Brown Eyed Girl Boutique

As I have edited these portraits of a truly beautiful young lady I have been overwhelmed with waves

of thanksgiving and joy; to the point of tears. (by the way it's hard to edit with tears)

You see, this young lady is a gift to a terribly wounded heart...

Mine

Four years and nine months ago I lost a child. It was painful and wretched.

But the day I lost her, I was sitting at a kitchen table of my precious sister/friend and praying quietly while 

she prepared dinner for her family.

I looked up and I just knew... I knew this princess was one the way, I also knew she was a girl.

I knew she was a gift to my wounded heart.

God is the giver of great and wonderful gifts; 

He bestows on His children such lavish love in such special ways.

So as my "faith" was to be tested greatly through the trials I was to face in the coming year;

He whispered to my heart, like a butterfly lighting on a flower

"I am with you, I love you and I work all things together for your good." 

I savored this knowledge quietly in my heart and I prayed for her as she grew within her mama.

When she was born, He whispered to me again; "I am here, I love you..."

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and 

saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

No matter what you face today, know the truth;

"He loves you; He is working for your good if you love Him and are called according to His purpose"

There are no words, none that can capture the awe I feel when I see these two, both incredibly spunky

I look at them holding hands and I hear Him whisper "I am here, I am holding you together and I love you"

The importance of telling their story

I think it is vitally important for our daughter to know her story, the true story right from the very beginning... I've been telling her in easy to understand "form" since she was born. But about two weeks ago while laying awake during the night this idea just hit me like a ton of bricks, why not write her story out in a toddler friendly version to help her grasp from the very beginning of her existence that Jesus loves her, that we love her and that her birthmother loves her. 

I actually had the book printed and bound in a hardback story book format, but here are the pages for you all to enjoy! :) 

My Video 10/26/11 at OneTrueMedia.com

 After sharing our bringing Evie (by the way, it's pronounced eh-V) home story, I thought it only appropriate to capture in pictures and song just a bit of what our AMAZING daughter has brought into our lives.  Words can never EVER capture how much we love her and how she has made our family as rich as I can ever imagine being. :)

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Bringing Evie Home Part 6

Don't forget to read Parts:  ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR and FIVE first


 This is a love story  

This incredible story of a child that our hearts loved for many years and through much heart ache all that could be thought of was that moment, that incredible second when our eyes would first lock with hers.  We did not know what she looked like, what color her skin, eyes and hair would be.  But sometimes, I could close my eyes in those long years of waiting, hurting, grieving, hoping, peacefulness that passed all understanding... Sometimes I could close my eyes and almost feel her against my cheek, almost breath in that smell of freshly washed baby hair.

We loved her. Deeply, with a love given by the Lord... we loved her.

 He taught us the art of pursuit, He showed us how He also pursues us. He taught us of sacrificial love, of being willing to lay one's own heart down on the altar and sacrifice it for another.  He gave us a tiny glimpse of the pain He endures when one of the children He so desires rejects His desire to adopt.  He taught us of obedience, even when it hurts. He taught us His comfort to the weary.  The list could go on forever the ways that the Lord taught us through our journey to our daughter, we learned the character of our Savior in a way that was so tangible sometimes you could almost reach out and touch it.

 One month after our fourth loss, almost exactly I was locked in a war. A war of the heart, struggling through my deep desires to hold MY baby once and for all, at the point that the thought of one more hurt, one more meeting with one more birth-mom and my entire being would just crumble.  This war waged in my heart for three days when finally on November 18th 2009 as I sat at my women's biblestudy watching a film clip of Beth Moore, as she earnestly begged everyone to stop and share with God what they were angry about, or hurting about or whatever it was that they held on to. I shouted at the top of my lungs in silence in the second row in the sanctuary of my church.

 I told the Lord how angry I was,  how I could NOT understand the unjust situations I had seen. I poured it all out in a mucky muddy mess... I didn't just need boots for this pity party in the mud, I needed a full on wading suit, goggles YOU name it... I was ROLLING in this mud.

 As the video began to end I quickly gathered my things, wiped my eyes and RAN to grab my children and made a beeline for my car. I could NOT endure exchanging simple pleasantries that day. I had things to do.

 I came home and took EVERY single last bit of anything baby or adoption related and THREW it all in the middle bedroom that was to one day become a nursery.  I took down the frame that I had on my hallway wall empty for almost three years and filled it with pictures of my boys.  I sat in the hallway against the closed bedroom door and sobbed. I gave it ALL to the Lord. Everything, I praised Him for who He was and I promised to move on and no longer live my entire life based around the adoption journey. I spent the rest of the day POURING my wounded heart into my boys.

 I had the most incredible God given peace I'd ever felt. I had confidence that our God is faithful and that He is sovereign and that I could rest easy in the place I was at. God is big enough for our anger, for our sorrow for our fears and our failures... He WANTS us to come to Him and once I REALLY truly did. The peace passed all understanding. The griefs and tears seemed so small in comparison to HIS gentle comfort and love.

 I had release.

 The next morning I was editing pictures at my computer, with worship music on. It was around 11am that the phone rang.  I answered the phone to hear our caseworker C's voice on the other end. Crazy as it sounds after 3 years of my heart jumping to my throat when I heard her voice... Adoption NEVER entered my mind when I answered the phone, I was expecting something else entirely.

 "Are you sitting down? We have you on speaker phone because we have something to tell you." She said. I fell back into my chair as I listened to every single lady at the agency great me. I felt speechless. As she began to talk, I burst into sobbing uncontrolled tears. They began to cry as well.

 I have NO idea what she said. My heart stopped on the words "there is a baby girl at the hospital and after praying about it, we all believe she is yours. She was born yesterday morning."

 It kept spinning through my head... She was here already, born, in the hospital while I poured my heart out to the Lord. I cried harder.

 Wait, I can hold her NOW??!! I can see her today??!!

I began pacing the house, got the last of the information as I shook so hard I couldn't calm down. I turned on a movie for my kids so that they would be oblivious to my emotional outburst. Protect their hearts... protect their hearts... It's all I could think.

 I pulled myself together and finally stopped crying. I called my husband and the moment he answered the phone the tears came again.  He panicked thinking something awful had happened and he started asking me questions to try to get ANY information out of me. But I just sobbed on...  "come home, our baby is here, we need to go to the hospital."   I remember him asking me "WHAT?" several times... that was all I could say. I hung up sobbing, standing in our garage to hide my emotions from the boys sobbing.

 God works things out to the tiniest details ever, I had already arranged for the boys to go to their grammy's house while I got groceries, so I ran them over there. Then I came back home and opened that bedroom and flung things far and wide TRYING to find a car-seat, a coming home outfit, some diapers ANYTHING... I could not stop crying tears of complete joy.

 A while later my husband and I were in the car on the way to the hospital. If I had been driving I think I would have been doing 90 on the freeway, it's a good thing I wasn't driving. We could NOT get there fast enough!

There are SO many amazing things about Evie's homecoming.

 We were greeted in the lobby of the hospital by BOTH of the amazing women who had walked through so much with us. I cannot say enough, there just isn't enough time in the day to share it all how amazing the ladies that work at our agency are. It isn't a job to them, I think I've said that a million times too... It is a calling from the Lord, they are servants with servants hearts.  We had been through so much that to have them both come and introduce us to our daughter was just beyond anything words could ever say.

 We walked into the NICU (which is where they were keeping our Evie) and looked around at all the beds lining the room.  I find this amazing that before we even knew who Evelyn was, "the boss" knew. He saw her from across the room and instantly just KNEW, he felt an instant attachment to her before he even saw more than the top of her head. A nurse was doing a hearing test on her and that was the longest five minutes of my entire life. Catching little glimpses of her face as the nurse moved around her as she worked.

 Love welled up in my heart, I was SO anxious to get my hands on her. To gaze into her eyes like I'd dreamed. It was all so emotion filled and yet so surreal as if I was in a dream.  Finally the hearing test was done and we got to meet our daughter for the first time ever. She had big beautiful brown eyes and straight black hair. I took in every feature.  My heart felt SO full, her birth-mom raced through my mind as I stared at this little beauty. I instantly loved my baby girl and I instantly loved her birthmother too.

 Her birthmother had called the agency about an hour after giving birth. She never saw Evie, but signed all the paperwork she needed to so that she could be adopted, she described the "type" of home she wanted Evie to go into and then, she left the hospital early the next morning. Never to be heard from again.  In my eyes she is an incredibly brave and loving woman. She protected Evie, she did her very best for her... Gave her life and gave her a loving stable home.

 We spent hours at the hospital holding her, loving her, rocking her and feeding her. To this point we hadn't told anyone yet what we were up to. But because of some minor issues the doctors decided to keep Evelyn in the hospital one more night. SO we had to pull together the strength to walk out of the hospital that night.  We decided at that point because we would need help to watch the boys and such the next day that we would go ahead and share with family and close friends. But not our boys....

 The next day, November 20th was simply amazing.  We arrived at the hospital in the morning and by late afternoon were on our way home with our beautiful bundle of purest joy.

 You'll have to watch the boys meeting her for yourself CLICK HERE

Bringing Evie Home Part 5

 At this point if you have read parts ONE, TWO, THREE & FOUR  You may be thinking to yourselves, "Why on earth did they keep at it."  Or maybe "I could NEVER go through that"

 Those are all things I think that I regularly asked myself to be completely honest. The grief came in waves, the loss of two very close family members, then the loss of two babies so close together I genuinely suffered from a broken heart. But yet in the midst of that broken heart was my Lord, guiding us, healing our hearts and ever and always pushing us on.

 We had two options, did we pull out once the going got rough, or did we push on knowing that we were acting in obedience to the Lord?

  Obedience was the only option in our eyes. God had called us to adopt, and like the line from one of my favorite songs goes: "He never said it would be easy, he only said we'd never go it alone."

 After the dust settled and our album was yet again returned to it's resting place on the "waiting family" list, we began another span of silence. As before the silence was deafening at times, sometimes I felt like I would come out of my skin and would just stare at the phone willing it to ring.  It didn't.

 For many months we healed, and we grew as a family but ever and always with that Evelyn shaped hole in our hearts.

 I remember one night, 8 months after our last loss I was pouring my heart out to a friend just saying how weary I was, just bone tired of the whole process of waiting and hurting. How desperate I was for any bit of news of my daughter coming home. I cried many tears that night and she cried with me, I shared how for 7 days I had been burdened with this incredible weight to pray for a mom and a baby... The weight was SO heavy, I hadn't slept much at all in that 7 days.

 Upon returning home there was a message from the same precious caseworker we'd spent so much time with in the past. She needed me to call her back as soon as possible.   Long story short, there was a birth-mom who had a baby girl 7 days before and was interested in doing an adoption, I have to be honest I was NOT one bit surprised to get this call. It was on a Friday and she was going to think it over and meet at the agency on Monday morning. Would it be possible if everything went smoothly for us to come in on Monday meet and even perhaps take home a baby.

 Monday came and went with no phone call and I already knew... We would not hold this baby, a phone call came eventually to let us know that she could not go through with the adoption.  It was only a weekend of waiting, but piled on top of everything else, my heart hurt.  I struggled with why we even had to know about her, why after such a long silence we had to face another loss Though I knew the answer, this woman seriously needed prayer. I had really come to terms with everything when on that following Friday we received another phone call. We had been chosen!!

 At the end of September 2009 we made the 3 hour drive to meet this birth-mom (whom I mentioned in a recent post about life)  The meeting went great, she was an open and very honest woman, who spoke what was on her mind and after the last experience at the hospital in Dallas it was a refreshing thing to hear the truth!  She said often she wasn't sure she could go through with the adoption but that she really knew it was the best thing for her and her two other children.  I honestly loved her instantly after our meeting and I enjoyed her company.

 One month later on October 16th we made the 3 hour drive full of excitement and anticipation. She was in labor.  We arrived at the hospital about 5 minutes after she had given birth to a beautiful baby girl. We went into her delivery room and held that beautiful baby girl and chatted lightly with our caseworker and birth-mom.  Things were awkward, I couldn't explain it just awkward. Carter J refused to hold the baby, he took one look at her, put his hands out and said "that's not Evelyn"  We kept trying to assure him it was but he wanted nothing to do with her. The other boys were thrilled, "the boss" was just in turmoil. He had no peace and kept struggling as to why he wasn't more excited. I have to be honest I felt the same way. But I had read that sometimes the bond isn't there instantly with a baby.

 We carried her across the hallway, watched as the nurse bathed, weighed and took care of her. Then they wrapped her up and handed her to me. The hospital was amazing, they gave me a room and after getting all settled in my husband took our boys back to the hotel and I stayed at the hospital with our new baby girl.  I sat in the hospital room feeling awkward and yet slowly but surely over the next few hours I fell head over heels in love with her. She was beautiful and perfect in every way. I unwrapped her and touched her tiny toes and studied every feature.

 I sang praise songs to her for hours and hours. The nurses brought me flowers and a handmade blanket for her, her foot prints, and every little thing they'd used on her, measuring tape for her head ect....  Well into the night around midnight while I was singing to her I felt this deep need to pray for our birth-mom... I felt in such turmoil and I just knew something wasn't right. I held baby close to my heart and savored the moments with her. The nurse came in with a completely different demeanor and checked on baby, she mentioned as she was leaving the room that birth-mom wanted a little time with her if that was okay with me.  Of course it was, and so I finished feeding her the bottle I'd just started, changed her diaper and slowly wrapped her back up. I just knew somehow that I was saying goodbye.  I drew it out until finally around 1am I put her into the bed and opened my door, the nurse was actually heading my way and I met her in the hall. She thanked me and I watched as she wheeled the baby into the room.

 I turned quietly and went back to my room. I sat on my bed and prayed and prayed... For almost an hour I prayed. I told the Lord everything, I begged Him not to allow another baby to be taken from me. I prayed for Birth-mom. I just kept praying. Finally there was a knock on the door, at first I thought... "oh Lord, maybe they are bringing my baby back!!"  But when I opened the door to find C our caseworker standing there, she didn't have to say a word and I crumbled into tears.

 I cannot touch that time in journaling. It is a time so precious to my heart and SO raw with emotion I rarely show to anyone, this woman with whom I grieved that night will ALWAYS be a part of my heart. The words of comfort and the gentleness of her heart are a God given gift.

 We returned home on Carter J's 4th birthday, I was determined to salvage the day for him... We had his party in a cloud of grief and were surrounded by the most dear friends.

 I remember thinking over and over, "Lord, why? why did I have to hold her, why did I have to fall in love with her? Why does this get harder and harder every single time?!"

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

~1 Peter 1:6-9~

 However, the answer to this situation is perfectly clear to me, I would never EVER go back and trade this loss for anything.  I was able to write a letter to birth-mom and share the gospel with her, to forgive her and to make a real difference.  I genuinely pray every single day for her true salvation and that our lives colliding for some time would make some sort of impact on her.

 Little did I know....

 I still love her baby with the deepest love, I pray for her every day, for her safety and for her eventual salvation. I still observe her birthday in my heart, it has been two years running a very difficult day for me. But yet one filled with all day prayer over her life and the life of her mother and siblings.  Yes, I have been deeply hurt, but I also have complete forgiveness for the pain inflicted.

 The choice before us again, pull out or obey?  Adoption is the call on our life:

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:28-31~

Bringing Evie Home Part 4

 Please read Part one here, part two here and part three here before continuing.

I have been all morning trying to formulate in my head what I should share next. Starting off with a short journal entry I did after our first loss:

November 14^th 2008

Our hearts have been aching, we long for a baby, for OUR baby. Waiting for the adoption has been a thousand times harder than I ever thought it would be... This hole in my heart waiting for our daughter to fill it cannot be filled any other way but to hold her in our arms for the first time and look into her gorgeous face. Oh the dream it is...
 In September that dream was to be filled, we would hold our daughter, she was due to be born on September 27th. But it was not to be. We do not know the reason for this loss, only that the Lord does and that is what really matters. He is in control, no matter how much it hurts, how hard the road how deep the longing God is in control. He knows our hurts, He knows our sufferings and He comforts us in them. I pray every day for the mother of the baby I lost. I love them both so dearly.

 So in my thinking over the past few days I have come to realize something. Adoption and love of any kind isn't about having our dreams fulfilled, it's about living love. Laying our hearts on the line and loving, learning that loving is what God desires us to do, no matter the cost.. Really, look at what His love for us cost Him before we even knew Him, He laid down His life because of His love for us.  So that is what adoption is all about, loving these women and their babies before they even know us, no matter what the cost to our own hearts we must be a reflection of Christ. To do any less would not be obedience and it would be a loss to what the Lord desires to work in our hearts as well.

The next phase of our journey:

It was a few months later, preparing for Christmas. I remember that we were sick, everyone had a cold and I'd called it a sick day. I was laying on the couch with a sick boy asleep on my lap watching Anne of Green Gables when the phone rang.  I had NO idea as I took down notes on the most complicated case EVER how much heartache we were about to march into. I am going to pull a lot of my journaling from "then" to help tell this part of the story. I'll be honest, I still get angry when I think back to what our family went through. 

I KNOW that God was in it, I know that He has purpose in it and I cling to that every single day. But it was still VERY hard and very painful to walk through. 

December 5, 2008

Today was a very emotional day for me, we met "birth-mom" and her husband for the first time. My reaction after leaving the agency was a lot different this time. Last time I felt like I was soaring on cloud 9 this time I walked out praying and pleading that the precious little face in the pictures I held could be our daughter, I think because my heart is so filled with fears that she will change her mind, fears that somehow things won’t work out with this adoption and that we’ll loose another baby. I trust that the Lord is in control. I want to be still and know that He is God to rest in Him and have complete peace. I have sat here for ages just studying the ultrasound pictures just wondering if I will ever truly be blessed enough to hold this sweet baby in my arms. I want her, so deeply with all of my heart

I never held her. Our birthmom ran to Dallas Texas a week before her due date, saying that she needed to be close to her mother because she was scared that she had to have a c-section. She still wanted to do the adoption but could we please drive to Texas.  We prayed and believed that if this baby was our daughter we would go to the ends of the earth to bring her home.

On December 26th we got the phone call that birthmom had gone into labor, c-section was done and baby was here. We could leave the next day to come and get her. 

I packed with a foggy brain, my hands shaking the entire time... How to get our little family of 6 ready to go, how many clothes to pack. Doubts, fears, overwhelming excitement and joy. 

I really don't even know HOW on earth to sum up our days in Dallas, I don't remember anymore, I think it was three days sitting in a drafty hallway waiting room, constantly trying to comply with every request made of us to come see the baby or to give her space.  Of her telling us to go home (by way of her husband or our caseworker) OR of her asking us to come back, saying she was sorry. She flipped & flopped back and forth, set times for us to hold baby and then shut herself into her room and told us to come back later.

At one point she called off the adoption, told everyone she couldn't go through with it.

So we left the hospital

 (please keep in mind, we had four busy boys with us this entire time in a city we'd never visited in our lives!)

A few hours later, she changed her mind again... it was back on, could we come to the hospital the next morning at 8 to see baby. Again, no sign of her. My husband was finally FED UP at this point. He came to the hospital to get me and take our family to a park for lunch.. 

That was when we got the final phone call. 

Birthmom just couldn't go through with the adoption, she was placing the baby into a foster care situation with her sister (who didn't even want baby Victoria)

We decided to make the most of being so far away from home and turn it into a vacation, we headed for the ocean and had the BEST time as a family that we have EVER had. God did so much healing on that beach. 

Drew us together as a family, and that morning standing on the beach on the first day of a new year

it was as if the waves washed away some of the hurt. 

It is sometimes beyond staggering to know why on earth there is so much injustice. 

Why this poor baby had to suffer the consequences of her mother's choices.

Written January 30th 2009:

I do see that the Lord has led my heart through the "valley of the shadow of death" so to speak as He has worked out incredible pains in my heart and drawn me closer to Him through the process... I think of much afraid finally on the high places:

she put out her hand and with one final effort of failing strength grasp the natural human love and desire growing in her heart and struggled to tear them out. At the first touch it was as though anguish pierced through her every nerve and fiber, and she knew with a pang almost of despair that the roots had wound and twined and thrust themselves into every part of her being. Though she put forth all her remaining strength in the most desperate effort to wrench them out, not a single rootlet stirred.

For the first time she felt something akin to fear and panic. She was not able to do this thing which he asd asked of her. Having reached the alter at last, she was powerless to obey.

~Hinds feet on High places by Hannah Hurnard

This is the very battle I have been having in my own heart, I've been trying to forgive and let go on my own power. But I have come to realize I am completely powerless to do so. I must ask the Lord to do it for me.

~"I am the priest of this altar- I will take it out of your heart if you wish."
Much-Afraid turned toward him instantly. "Oh thank you," she said "I beg you to do so"

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Bringing Evie Home Part 3

Recently I had a reader (and one of my favorite bloggers) ask to hear our adoption story as she waits for her own child to come home!!  Please join me in prayers for their family to have just the right journey ordained by the Lord bringing home THEIR baby ordained by the Lord!!

 Please, if you haven't read them yet, read Part One HERE and Part Two HERE before you continue... It will really make much better sense.

 I have for some time felt it was time for me to sit down and really hash out "how" Evie came home. I know I started a series on it a while back, I think I got two entries written and then came to the hard part of her story and couldn't conquer it in my own emotions.  I was still so deeply wrestling with everything that happened. Acceptance with joy but still also mingled with grief and sometimes it's just not time to drudge up those emotions. However, Right now the Lord is telling me it's time to hash them out and writing is ALWAYS an outlet for me. As I was praying for a final confirmation it was time this morning I opened my Bible to this passage:

 Ephesians 1:³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. ⁴ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love ⁵he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— ⁶ to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 


 Adoption is ALWAYS a story worth telling... No matter how hard, because really, imagine HOW hard our own adoption as His sons and daughters was, the cost was death on a tree!

 Well, as you saw in Part two of her story, the beginning of our adoption journey was a whirl wind of paperwork, classes and FAST paced approval. Our caseworker had said several times that because of the size of our family we should be prepared to have to wait for up to at least a year. But I was EVER so optimistic, I just KNEW that God was going to work a miracle and we'd be holding our baby in NO time.

 I giggle now looking back, every single time the phone rang I nearly jumped out of my skin with excitement, and if the agency's number was on the caller ID... Well, lets just say that there aren't words for all the zig zags your heart does inside of you on those moments.  It was always just a bit of paperwork missing, or time to update something or perhaps one of the ladies needed portraits. ALWAYS a blessing to talk to them, but it ALWAYS took time to regain my composure once I realized it wasn't a baby they were calling about.

 Our journey had officially begun in February of 2007, we had our approval from the agency by late summer and then.... We waited.

 That silence was deafening, defeating and sometimes ate me alive. I craved news, ANY news... Just a glimpse of hope for holding my baby girl. It wasn't until the beginning of August of 2008 that we got a phone call. I remember they had wanted to check something (ethnicity perhaps) I can't remember and they let me know that a birth mom had narrowed her choice down to three albums and ours was one of them.  They would call to let me know the next Monday if we were chosen.



 My amazing sisterinlaw and one of my dear friends came to sit with me that Monday. We paced, we waited, we all exploded each time the phone rang with excitement then calming when we learned it was not the agency. I seriously thought that would be the longest day of my life. I just prayed and prayed for this birth-mom that she would choose the family GOD had for her baby.

There is no difference between the positive pregnancy test and the 

phone call that tells you your precious baby,your dream, 

you desire is on the way. Though I had 

fought it for those days, 

my heart was involved 

and

I LOVED this baby deeply. That love grew by leaps and bounds

throughout that phone call and grew every day. 

Finally the call came....  I have NO idea what that precious caseworker said during that call except that WE were chosen!!!!  Planning, excitement... Purest Joy.  Our baby was due to be born on September 27th 2008. I couldn't believe it.  We met her birth-mom and loved her dearly. She was shy and looking back now I realize that she never wanted to talk about anything of substance. She looked like a dear in the headlights when I asked her what one thing would she want her baby to know about her. I can't imagine what it took for her to make the choice to place her baby. Only the PUREST love.  She was (and is) a heroine for wanting the best for her baby.

 I prepared a crib, bought pretty outfits, did all the things that new mommies do... My friends prepared a baby shower for two weeks after her due date and everything looked great.

 Then we got a phone call... One that I would become accustom to hearing but never prepared for.

 We've lost contact with your birth-mom, we're not super concerned at the moment but we thought we should let you know she isn't returning calls. We'll give it a week or two and see what happens.  Needless to say, I fell apart. I think I already knew we'd not ever hold her, or see her.  I remember reading about Abraham taking Isaac up the hill prepared to lay it ALL down in order to serve the Lord.  I laid it all down.

 I remember SO vividly... I awoke at about 1am on September 27th and I cannot explain it... But I KNEW she was giving birth. I prayed for her ALL the rest of the night and into the morning hours, like I had never prayed in my entire life. Honestly, I felt SO wrapped in the Lord's arms that night.  I got up before dawn, grabbed a blanket, my Bible and a mug of tea and went out in our yard to watch the sunrise.  I desperately pleaded with the Lord to give me this baby. Yet, Lord, not my will... But yours be done.

 This is an excerpt of journaling from the day we received the call that she had disappeared:

 " We are walking through a deep fog and we cannot see where we are going, or if we shall hit a brick wall... We are learning to surrender walking ourselves and allowing the Lord to carry us through it, because He is bigger than the fog and can see the way above it. We don't know where we are going, but we do know that He loves us"


 The day of my baby shower, also happened to be the two week mark that we put our album back in the mix and became a waiting family again... No longer an expecting family.  Trials bind up hearts together, the friends that accompanied me to tea in place of my baby shower that day... Words could never be put on what they have become to me. Time and again willing to face the fire with our family.  One of the most precious pictures I have ever owned is this one, it stands framed in my home and I don't think it will EVER come down

Psalm 118:
 4 Let those who fear the LORD say:
       "His love endures forever."
 5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD,
       and he answered by setting me free.
 6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
       What can man do to me?

 It also bears mentioning because it was SO hard that my deeply treasured aunt passed away from leukemia right after being approved, then in April of 2008 hubby's grandma passed away from renal failure. The grief in this time period was unbelievable.

 But God is faithful, I will say... He DOES give us more than we can handle and when we let go, HE handles it for us. He longs to carry our hurts and our broken desires in His arms, to wipe away our tears. We do not have to be "strong enough" for HIS strength is made perfect in our weakness.

 His hands are on our story, on our journey and He alone is faithful and we are daily amazed at how He has knit our family together, how He knew the perfect timing and the perfect day on which He would place Evelyn, fearfully and wonderfully made into our arms.

 Every single minute of grief was worth it for just ONE of her super sweet smiles or her brand new thing to say "Hold you" as she reaches those tiny fingers up at me.  I would do it all again in a heart beat... and I haven't even gotten to the worst  parts of our journey!

 Keep your eyes open for Part 4.... I'll try to get it written SOON!

Bringing Evie Home... Part 2

Well, this is a long time coming. I've spent a lot of time praying about what to share next...  Our journey was not an easy one and I don't want that to hinder anyone or cause them to fear adoption. If God has called you, He will equip you!

 I remember one evening, sitting on the living room floor watching our kids ride their tricycles and such in circles (we'd cleared all the furniture out for them)  "The Boss" and I were talking while they rode and squealed... Discussing moving forward and asking the kids what they thought about the idea of a baby sister.  "The Boss" just hollered out at the end of our conversation "who wants a baby sister"

 The kids all stopped their trikes and came running to us... I remember the look on Caleb's face so clearly as he said "It's about time, I've been praying you guys would have another baby for us! And I want a girl"

 The other kids all cheered and that began the official start!!”  We explained adoption to them, and read to them the story of Moses. They couldn’t have been more excited and wanted to know when we could bring her home. We explained it would be a while. That night they prayed for their baby sister Evelyn. The kids were SO excited and so were hubby and I.

 We began to ask around and pray about choosing an agency. The book we had read said to conduct interviews with several agencies before settling on one.

 Again seemingly out of the blue shortly after that we began to hear stories about our Agency, how amazing the women there were, how happy people had been with their experience and so on. We never agency shopped, I got online and looked at their website and "The Boss" instructed me to get info from them. So I shot off an e-mail.  Words cannot even begin to describe the pure excitement, thrill and joy in my heart when not long after I’d sent it, they replied sending me the application for adoption. I printed it out and walked around the house just holding it in my hands, I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face… Was it real? Was this the first step to holding my baby, the baby I had tried to resolve myself I could never hold, but had never truly given up.  For the next few evenings hubby and I poured over the application and answered all of the questions, we actually had a LOT of fun doing it, I will honestly look back on filling out that application as one of the most fun times of our marriage, we laughed and we talked seriously, we had a wonderful time!

I called the agency and set up a time for us to drop off the application. We ended up with sick boys so I wasn’t able to go, but hubby went and had such a peace about the meeting, and knew we’d gone with the agency the Lord had chosen for us. We were told it would take a while to review the paper work, so I resolved myself not to worry about it for a while. The very next day we got a call saying that our paperwork had been reviewed and that we could come to an orientation class the very next day… WOW! Talk about confirmation from the Lord.  Things began to speed right along and we assumed it would be no time at all and we’d be holding our baby Evelyn. 

September 25^th 2008

The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. ~Habakkuk 3:19

 As I laid in bed before the sun rose this morning this verse popped into my head along with the beautiful story of Much-Afraid Fearing in the book Hind’s feet on High places. I realized in the most beautiful peaceful way that this story is the story of my journey through the adoption process.  As I laid there praying my heart was overwhelmed with peace and I whispered softly to my Lord, “I am thy handmaiden acceptance with joy”  and I know that in this process He is ever working out in me and will continue to work out in me Grace and Glory.

 I am fighting tears as I think of how much like Much-Afraid I was at the beginning of the adoption process, though I saw my Shepherd and I trusted Him, I was full of fears and questions. The impossibility of even just the financial side of the adoption loomed over me like a cloud, how could we ever do it?  The answer: we couldn’t and the Lord made that very clear. "The Boss"  had direction, he had purpose, we were to go forward and the Lord would provide. Though full of excitement at the thought of holding the baby girl I so desperately desired, very much afraid. 

Bringing Evie Home... Part 1

We have been blessed with the opportunity to share our adoption story (remember my entry a while back: Nothing happens by chance)

 When 'The Boss' was buying his car the gentleman asked him if we would write our adoption story for a book he is putting together.

 I am really excited and even if nothing comes of it, I think it will be completely amazing to get a more firmly written out account of how Evie came home.  I have written about it throughout the journey, however I didn't journal as much as I probably should have when we actually brought her home... Two reasons, I was busy with four boys and a newborn and completely overwhelmed by emotions of answered prayer!

I thought just to get my own thoughts sorted out I would include you all in the ups and downs of our journey. This will not be the final draft for this gentleman, in fact I'm sure my husband will actually do most of the writing (have I ever mentioned that he's an incredibly talented writer on the side?) Anyway, he'll do a much better job than I, but I thought it might help to have it written out from my perspective as he and I work through the process of writing.  You get a sneak peak into:

 Bringing Evie Home

 I have been given a glimpse into God's amazing intricate hand in our simple day to day lives, how in "Jeremiah 29:11 He says: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.". It is amazing to think of the tiny peak into the threads He weaves through our lives to create beautiful tapestries. I have heard it said that our lives are a beautiful tapestry that the Lord is weaving from Heaven, from our human perspective we cannot see anything but a mess, the back side of the tapestry where we can't imagine how any of the threads work together to make a picture of any kind, much less a beautiful one.  Yet there is the Lord faithfully weaving, pulling each strand just where it should go. Every now and then He turns the tapestry for us to have a peak into the work in progress...

 My first desires to adopt actually started as a child. I remember being in the 3rd grade and coming to a new school. The teacher pointed me towards a grouping of desks, as I sat down the girl sitting beside me introduced herself and then said "You should just know, I am adopted, my parents got to pick me!"  I was SO fascinated by her, I wanted to know more. I wanted my own parents to adopt, though this wasn't the Lord's plan... for them.  My mother was adopted after her parents lives were taken in a car accident, she has always had such a positive attitude about adoption, she always saw it as a gift and it made her understand her salvation he adoption as a child of God in a deeper way because of her own earthly example.  I soaked it up...

  One day I met a dashingly handsome man... A man I knew after only two evenings together was "THE ONE" God had created for me.  We were engaged in almost no time at all... I remember so vividly an conversation we had one evening in his car, I remember we actually named our first son and our first daughter that night...  We also discussed how many children we wanted to have... I laugh now at how perfectly the Lord answers prayers, also how true the verse is: Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 If we are delighting in the Lord, our desires are His desires and He grandly fulfills them. At the time we had thrown out the following "lets have 3 or 4 by birth and then adopt 1 or 2"

 Fast forward a few years to the birth of our second son, though two more followed him, at this point the loss of my ability to carry a child had begun.  By the birth of our fourth son the doctors were in dismay that he or I could have survived the pregnancy... After much prayer, many tears and to be completely honest an incredible amount of grief  we believed it the best course of action to take permanent steps to prevent further pregnancies.  I grieved for a year over the loss of future children.  Then out of the blue one day the Lord opened back up that desire to adopt.

 I was incredibly cynical at first. I was interested but I couldn't imagine us ever being able to afford the journey, I was unsure of how it would effect our family and on and on.  However, one day I was here at home with my kids and a friend called, she was listening to focus on the family on the radio and just felt like she should call and share it with me. A little baffled I turned it on. They were discussing adoption and promoting a new book:  "Successful Adoption a Guide for Christian Families"   I was intrigued but still skeptical.  Much to my complete surprise that evening 'The Boss' came in the door with a box in his arms... Curious as to the contents I followed him into the kitchen.

 Go ahead, guess what he pulled from the box... Yep, it was the book I'd heard about on the radio.  I stood there in shock as he explained that he'd already read the book cover to cover during his lunch hours and that he would now like me to read the book. This took place in February of 2007