When the big picture is overwhelming...

It's time to step further in and focus on the minor details...

I was sick the first half of the week, along with Princess Sunshine

and as life goes, when mommy gets sick, everything tends to fall apart...

I was SO overwhelmed by it all and worn thin in the hardness of parenting

the broken heart of mothering broken hearts...

I knew it was time to take a step closer, and find the small, the beautiful and remember 

that if the Lord makes incredible detail and beauty in even the smallest things 

He is all the more at work creating beauty in the BIG things in life

like my children and the complex needs each one...

If He creates such elegance in the death of a flower

Isn't He even more concerned with beauty in the life of His child

Remembering that He is at work in all the great and all the small details

Every moment

and every day...

So of course in the thick of this motherhood journey, 

He is creating beauty...

He is writing His story for each of these children

and refining me

I pray that knowing that...

encourages YOU

Mountains

Sing, O heavens, for the Lord has done it; shout, O depths of the earth; break forth into singing, O mountains, O forest, and every tree in it! For the Lord has redeemed Jacob, and will be glorified in Israel.

~Isaiah 44:23~

once upon a time....

She gazed out the window, 

out of breath from a good occupational therapy session at 

home with her boy her eyes began to brim with tears.

She skimmed past all the memories over the past 9 years.

She remembered the moments early on,

watching his chest rise and fall and then

pleading and begging the Lord to see it happen again.

She would never ever shake the look in the doctors

 eyes as he didn't say the words she knew...

It was bad.

Over the several next days no sleep came, 

a vigil had begun, a vigil of begging for breath

to fill the lungs of her infant son.

Little did she know that this vigil would be rekindled

 over and over in the following years.

The nightmare relived every time breath was taken from him;

panic became her constant companion 

but still she desperately fought for answers.

For understanding and ways to combat the fears that 

she had laid in the safe places of her heart.

He was different

She knew motherhood

she was a seasoned mama, 

but never had she had a child with such differences.

This wasn't just asthma, it wasn't just his chronic illnesses;

it wasn't only the seizures.

It was something more

Eventually she began to ask questions, 

but people simply told her she was just not consistent enough,

that she needed to spank more...

Or that she spoiled him.

She wore the badge of failure like a pro

and she believed the lies off and on.

Then one day like a floodgate the truth was opened up to her

by a movie and then by a seminar at her church.

This difference had a name!

Autism

There was a way to help him overcome some of these struggles.

She began to tirelessly fight and work towards getting him the 

help they both so desperately needed.

She fought and fought,

the first diagnosis came

Sensory processing disorder...

She felt a sigh of relief though that emotion only lasted

briefly as she realized that now having a name for their

struggles set them apart even further than they already were.

She cringed and her heart felt tight as she remembered mother 

whisking child away because it was not safe with hers

the amount of rejection became countless.

No opportunity to make things right, 

no help, no compassion held out

just.... seclusion.

This became her life.

As judgmental words were heaped upon her

"wow, some people just shouldn't be parents..."

"oh my, someone needs a nap, or a darn good spanking"

or the ever present eye roll and doozy

"my you have your hands full, you must be a saint; or your crazy"

She wept in the quiet places....

alone

in all honesty she came to adore that aloneness

it was easier than having to worry 

about the judgment or the pity and help of others.

She smiled as she remembered the day

sitting in that office of a doctor when he finally 

confirmed what she had known all those

years before

Autism

She walked to the car numb

but the emotions hit not long after

she let forth the deep choking sobs...

She was happy but heartbroken all in one moment.

She was thankful to be justified in her fight

but heartbroken to know that his entire life would be a battle.

The battle of judgement and pity would never end

the battle against the everyday things in 

life that he felt under constant attack from

they would never end.

she looked up at the daytime half moon as 

whisps of clouds trailed across it...

her heart always ached, 

that ache was as constant as breathing.

Even as she admired the Lord's creation

she could both be heartbroken, depressed even

and yet be filled with the deepest knowlege

 of peace and joy within her soul.

For she knew that though all those 9 years ago 

she never imagined the struggle that lay ahead of her;

and yet she wouldn't give up one minute of it.

Every moment of that struggle,

it had been unto her Lord, 

every moment of grief, every tear, every second of sorrow

they had been in HIS hands.

She never imagined once that she was perfect in the struggle

and at moments she wanted to throw in the towel and give up.

However, she knew and smiled gently as she remembered;

Those years and experiences

 had prepared her to be the mother HE needed her to be

not only for her incredible 9 year old boy, 

but her 10 year old who also had SPD

as well as her gorgeous SPD/Autistic 12 year old girl

whom the Lord predestined to be theirs forever.

He had set 7 precious children in her care and she easily 

loved each one purely and with her entire heart

for their individual special selves.

This mother, she hurt and she grieved at all the injustice, 

the illness and the evil in the world; at times it felt as if it would 

completely burry her alive, 

however at the same time, she was praising God for HIS hand in it all. 

For HE is a God of love, 

and she knows;

even when it seems only silence and evil reigns

it's Him who truly reigns.

He is about the business of redemption and unconditional love

every single moment...

PAD

Yesterday a friend shared this article on Facebook:

Post Adoption Depression

please read it before reading on any further on my own thoughts

This subject has been heavy on my heart recently, 

Because...

for the third time in a row I am experiencing it, 

along with anxiety

&

 life has gotten so heavy.

Yes, you experience this with newborn adoptions;

 and with foster adoptions too.

NO it doesn't have anything to do with my love or commitment to or for any of my children.

The first flicker of that weight after our Princess Chocolate Curls came home was when she was

just a few weeks old...

I was snuggling her during her nap and she woke with what seemed to be a bad dream, 

when I spoke softly to comfort her a look of sheer terror filled her eyes.

She screamed and screamed and kept looking at me with fear.

You see, no matter the age you adopt, there is a trauma and a loss.

Evie was grieving her birthmother and I knew it full well in my heart

I found myself sobbing over this infant who looked at me with such fear.

The infant who was MINE.

It was always something I was empathetic to... I truly grieved for her birthmother.

(I have the gift, or sometimes as I view it; the curse of empathy. 

I feel everything others feel in great depth... at times I feel as though it will strangle me.)

But in THAT moment it was all SO real for me.

The weight of the gift I had been entrusted with; the depth of my love for both 

my daughter and her birthmother expanded that day to a proportion I couldn't put into 

words if I tried...

That was the only time she ever looked at me like that

but my heart shattered into a thousand pieces in that moment.

And the weight of it all pressed down on my heart 

and I found myself three and four months in

still unable to shake that fog, 

shake that weight of the fear of the responsibility on my shoulders.

I also felt incredible guilt because I was still grieving

 the loss of a child only one month before

OUR little one came home.

I felt like I wasn't allowed to grieve when I was given the answer to prayer.

It was heavy... and then one day, the Lord finally lifted that cloud for me.

After Princess Sunshine came home I realized when she was about one that that 

cloud of hopelessness and failure had once again settled on my shoulders.

(there were many factors in both of those adoptions that also contributed,

family deaths, special needs, chronic pain and more)

But this time, I was just lost.

there was no lifting, there was no way up...

I was depressed

I had hit the point of just battling to get out of bed in the morning.

We ended up going to counseling for our Bean's needs 

and in turn my own needs suddenly became clear.

I went to my doctor for help and went on medication.

This wasn't a case of disobedience or sin, 

it was a case of chemical issues in my brain.

Do you know that as soon as I said something to my 

dr he smiled huge and said:

"I know... I really do. 

I've known and I've prayed that this day would come

when you could finally trust me enough to 

confide in me and look for help with it."

I've never been very willing to discuss my struggle.

I've lost a lot of friends to my struggle;

 because of that unwillingness and the walls 

I quickly built to protect myself.

But lately I've felt like it's not okay for me to stay silent anymore.

Not to justify myself for having pulled away

but to let any other moms out there under this crushing weight know

You are NOT alone.

The journey of adoption is painful

no matter how smoothly your journey goes, it's painful.

Adoption is grief, adoption is loss, adoption is trauma and sacrifice.

It's also incredibly beautiful, amazing, full of hope, joy and peace.

Journey #3

oh my soul

adoption is trauma, grief, and loss

There is NO classes, books or friends in similar circumstances 

NOTHING

that prepares you for the bleeding heart you 

will experience when you fall head over 

heals in love with your child and discover that you now carry the cost, 

you pay the price for the sins committed against this soul you 

love with all of your heart, sins committed by another are now yours to wear.

(such a beautiful reminder of the cross) 

You fight to understand how one birthmother could be so selfless 

and another could be so selfish

sinking again... sinking

But there is hope, there is help and there is GOD.

God redeems

and in the midst of the struggle,

He is there

The still small voice in the dark and the comfort in the shadow.

In this suffering I see Him

I would not trade the journey I've been on for anything in this world.

I will not stop fighting this fight because my children need me,

I am the mother that God has given them

and they know full well that I am not perfect,

 I am completely honest with my kids...

I tell them I struggle and I tell them that God

 is faithful even when we don't  "feel" it. 

God is faithful and He uses ALL things for the good of those who 

LOVE Him and are CALLED according to His will.

I firmly believe that if we don't explain to our children the workings of our

own struggles (in their level of understanding OF COURSE) and how 

I run to the Lord for help then they will struggle far greater to 

have a TRUE grasp of how to do it themselves;

and nothing in this world matters to me more than for these 7 children to grow 

up and run to the Lord in every single moment of their lives.

I'm also here for you fellow mama, if you need to talk;

please... feel free to contact me through the

 comments with your email address or through Facebook.

You are NOT alone.

My struggles also relate to being a special needs mama x's 3 

(as I mentioned earlier, there have been A LOT of factors that have contributed)

2014

Couldn't say how many times the fingers have rested upon keys...

the words, the emotions and the stories held close.

locked up inside the heart and unprepared to be released

reluctantly words poured forth but then

with haste the draft deleted and silence remained.

I will say that without a doubt 2014 was one of the hardest years of our life;

multiple ambulance rides, hospital stays, surgery, near deadly allergies,

drama (not the fun acting kind) illness, anxiety, depression, accidents, chronic pain, 

intrusive home studies, intrusive home visits and 

parenting classes that make you want to run screaming and toss your cookies

 and yet run forward arms open to save children.

ReMoved from HESCHLE on Vimeo.

Attack attack attack on our home, our marriage and our lives...

We will not be shaken

We've gotten diagnosis's, therapies and medications

Most beautifully of all; 

we've brought home a daughter who fits so perfectly into her space,

she was created just for that empty space we never knew our puzzle held.

We added onto the house and we lived in complete chaos 

from top to bottom and side to side

I've slowly but surely been reading through the book of Job

I will not be shaken, I will NOT be moved.

We are sifted but we will praise the name of the Lord forever.

Our hearts are broken for what breaks His and in that place

no matter the circumstances

PEACE in the LORD 

prevails

And in the midst of all those trials what else...

JOY, PEACE, HOPE, FAITH

Trust, we trust that God is GOOD

and He has given us the above in abundance.

GOD has rescued an orphan and made her an orphan no more

soon, so very very soon we will also legally claim her as our daughter forever.

He has healed, He has rescued, He has drawn up and held us tight in His hand.

We know He will continue to do more of the same as we continue on the journey He has 

laid out before us.

God is GOOD 

all of the time

God is GOOD

rest in Him...

Isaiah 40:3   but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Life has been a bit of a challenge recently...

Truly it has

Last night at 2am I lay in my bed, alone in tears.
Alone because the love of my life was in the hospital in agonizing pain.

My husband was enjoying some down time playing with our kiddos last night while I was 

getting dinner together,

first time I'd been up and about in days after having been 

VERY sick all week

Jaden came running in in a panic and one of my worst fears was realized

My husband was seriously hurt

He couldn't answer me, he was screaming in pain and I quickly called 911

I'm going to cut a very long story short and just say that the Lord is truly faithful

and my husband is not permanently hurt, he is hurt, VERY VERY bad pain

but nothing that will last the rest of his life.

He will heal

The way that he landed there was a lot of fear in the paramedics minds of a broken neck.

His neck is not broken

The way he landed the Dr was concerned for internal organ damage

His organs are not damaged

Now, even if the Love of my life had been permanently hurt

I still believe God is faithful

But I am incredibly thankful he blessed us with protecting this man I love so dearly

There are NO words, none for the terror that filled me, and the anguish as I watched 

them strap my husband onto a backboard and put him into a neck brace

to see him hurt ripped every single fiber of my being into a thousand pieces.

I was wishing over and over I could take it for him, that it was me rather than him.

ANYTHING but to see him hurt would be less painful. 

I don't ever take this man for granted, but I also don't share about him here very often.

Mostly because my love for him is of such a depth that words just don't touch it

I write things and they sound so imperfect for the truth in my heart.

I respect my husband beyond words, truly.

He is a wise leader and he works beyond hard to provide for our family.

However that work never EVER comes above our family. If we need him, he is here in a heartbeat. 

He is the most incredible father. He is patient and loving. 

Gentle and firm and loves these children unconditionally with such a fierce love that you can 

see it dancing in his amazing blue eyes.

He is also my best friend, my leader, my love... 

My heart has been entirely his since I first laid eyes on him almost 15 years ago

my stomach still does flip flops when he smiles at me

I still go weak at the knees when he wraps his arms around me or brushes my cheek with his hand.

I LOVE being with him.

Being this man's wife is my entire dream come true

more amazing than anything I could have ever dreamt up myself

are the days we share.

I love you boss, with all that I am and all that I have

every minute of every day with ever breath that I take.

I thought I'd share some of the amazing portraits we just had done by 

Liz Ann Photography

Domination or fellowship?

Right now there is quite a lot of bickering going on in my front yard all day every day.

You see, I have three hummingbird feeders and where there were once a dozen or so 

hummers buzzing around those feeders there is now one very commanding little hummer called "Commander" 

His entire day is spent working hard to dominate

Commander wants to be in charge, 

he wants to rule his domaine and keep all the sweet nectar to himself.

What little Commander doesn't realize is that he is missing out on something amazing.

He's missing out on what all the other hummingbirds had before he moved into the neighborhood.

He's missing out on fellowship.

He quite dominates the discussions, not leaving space for others to contribute.

He makes quick judgements about others and doesn't allow them to just be who and what they are.

Instead in his shrill voice he dives and swoops and makes snap judgments about the other hummers

He is quite solitary except for this little lady,

 whom he rarely lets drink for more than a few moments at a time.

My point?

Don't judge others before you know their situation

and even when you do know it...

Give them the benefit of the doubt

You may be acting just like little commander if you are rushing in to swiftly

without understanding that God made us each to be different, 

but we can all share in the sweet nectar of fellowship if we are accepting and loving.

 Beloved, let us love one another, 

for love is from God, 

and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.

~1 John 4:7~

Trust

Thank you!

I am at still a bit at a loss for words, 

but I'm going to try my best to convey to you my heart on the topic of 

Autism Awareness Month

I've been dealing with a lot of processing since getting the diagnosis that we've been fighting for 

for so very long. I have never wavered in my strong belief that our son was autistic even though

we'd been told he wasn't, even though often others don't seem to see it. 

We both knew, deep in our hearts that it was the truth. 

At the parent meeting following very intense evaluations with our child, 

I was beyond relieved to hear the doctor state that Carter J is indeed on the spectrum, 

not only that but he is severely behind in many areas. 

I went from being elated to being numb, rather in shock about the entire thing.

Then have followed the path of grief, though I'd say I've bounced back and forth some 

rather than making the straight trip. 

At the moment, I'm just so sad, working towards facing the loss.

Because folks, even though nothing about Carter has changed, 

even though he is still my same sweet child, there is this loss of a typical childhood. 

Which I already knew we were loosing, but having a doctor state it... 

It makes it real. 

I'm being incredibly vulnerable and transparent here, so please don't come down on me. 

I LOVE my child...

I believe with all of my heart that he is created unique and beautiful. 

Autism doesn't make him less, it just makes him different 

whoever knows this child... 

will tell you how tender hearted and sweet he is.

Anyone who knows him knows how keenly aware of the needs of others he is,

even if he never verbally acknowledges it, or makes any eye contact.

You'd also be shocked at his incredible mechanical abilities 

WELL beyond his years! 

He can build and create the most amazing detailed things you've ever seen that 

blow away adults in moments.

I guess I need to find that release, I need to get there, but that is hard when I am STILL waiting

to get the ball rolling with new therapies.

We have the wheels in motion to get everything going and will begin

 this new journey for real next week. 

But until then, I feel in the dark. I feel overwhelmed but not knowing "what" to do in parenting.

I learned quite some time ago that parenting a special needs kid is a whole other ballgame. 

You can't just "train" a neurological disorder out of a child.

You have to embrace them for who they are and support their strengths and give them the 

tools that will help them work through their weaknesses. 

We WILL get there.

So, in a nutshell... This is the main reason the blog has been so quiet for so long.

preparation for the evaluations and then digesting the evaluations!

On a brighter note... and the main point of this post

I want to thank every single person all 89 of you (and a dog) who sent Carter 

"lit up blue" pictures! 

We chose to use World Autism Awareness day preparations to explain to Carter J his diagnosis.

I made his shirt with him and we talked through in a simple way he can understand 

what Autism is, and what it means for him. 

Also about the changes that will be coming with LOTS of therapy.

He instantly embraced it.

Looked confused that we had to have a doctor tell us he has differences and was fine!

Then, yesterday you all knocked his socks off!

Seriously, you have NO idea what it did for his precious heart to see as the pictures began to come in.

I SO wish I had video of him seeing them, 

his smile ate up his whole face.

I also made yesterday a holiday

(perk to homeschooling) 

and we lit it up blue at the zoo with very precious friends

You all have NO idea how important yesterday became to me.

It became MY way of coping, accepting and embracing the new reality of 

my role as an autism mama... 

I embraced it so far that my hair even went blue and I gave myself an UNHEARD of manicure!

I made jewelry with the help of MY mama...

Gave Evie a pedicure

Lit up my little section of the world blue

and we all stood in astonishment of the support we gained from those we know

through church, family, Facebook, and here on this blog.

We enjoyed the beautiful sunshine and each other's company

and we declared to the world that we ARE:

Team Carter J, and we WILL fight for whatever he needs!

United as a family, with a great force behind us of people willing to pray, and help and encourage.

I LOVE my sweet boy and in the end, he is Carter J
Not his autism.

a wife's influence

I've been doing a great deal of thinking recently over my influence on my husband.

How carefully I need to examine my motives to want something to happen

and how I've seen over the years in my own marriage and in other marriages that

a husband's drive to provide for his wife will drive him 

to make choices he knows will make her happy. 

Even if he himself isn't content about it.

This morning as I was observing my husband teaching Sunday school for 4th and 5th graders

something jumped out at me... They were discussing the long wait that Abraham and Sarah

had to have children, even though God had promised Abraham that He would make him into a 

great nation, they still had no children. 

 They waited... and waited... and waited....

for years and years before finally Sarah got fed up, she probably felt a bit guilty that she'd "failed" 

her husband, and so she decided she'd just MAKE God's will happen.

(by the way, this wasn't the point of my husbands lesson, but as a wife, it's where my brain went) 

She'd waited so long, so she started trying to think of ways to make 

God's promise happen on her own.

She took her maidservant, and said, hey... lets have a baby this way.

She was SO desperate to be a mother that she dangerously

 stepped out of the submissive wife roll and 

stepped into the lead. It wasn't that her husband wasn't leading, 

it's that she wasn't following. 

and then... well... 

"And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai."

Full story in Genesis 16

It is SO dangerous ladies, when we step outside of a patient place of

 waiting and try to make things happen on our own. 

(yes, I fully believe that he was totally accountable for being a dope and listening to her) 

But my point is about the wives roll,

We often get so passionate about things that we just think and think of ways to 

MAKE

them happen... 

But we must carefully take the time to stop, 

pray and then,

wait on our husband...

It was 25 years before the Lord gave Isaac to them after promising descendants

Our timing is NOT God's timing.

My ultimate point?

Rest in the Lord, read, pray, and seek His face through worship.

Don't trust our emotions. 

Trust HIM.

Encourage our Husband to pray.

Don't nag him 

don't hint at him

Just pray

and 

wait

On the Lord...

taking a break...

I'm taking some time to quietly reflect on the Lord...

Delight in the Lord...

I'll be back soon.... 

Been busy celebrating a superhero and working on my home... Until then, 

I love this shot I took on Monday this week (today we have snow!) 

Genesis 1:21

God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, 

with which the waters swarmed after their kind,

 and every winged bird after its kind;

 and God saw that it was good.

fight the good fight

My treasured boy,

There will be many dragons to fight in this life, this world is far from perfect.

They will come in many ways and in many forms from temptations to trials, you've already fought 

some incredible battles and I know; though it breaks my heart to bits, you will fight more still.

I pray that with each new "dragon" in your life you will learn to depend on the Lord for strength to

fight the good fight. That you will always know that the Lord never intends you to face

the foes of this world by your own ability or skill.

For the best knight, the bravest knight is the one who depends on his Father in heaven more 

than anything else in this world.

So remember next time you struggle, next time anger flares, or you feel tired of trying to do good;

You are never alone, you are always loved, by your daddy and I and also by the Lord

You are unique, there is no other Taye like you.

That is a gift, and nobody can be a better you than you can, God created you special

because He loves you and treasures you.

In you, "God has been seen" and you are a "gift from God" 

I love you precious boy, so very much.

~mommy