Wow, The weight is gone. I cannot even begin to explain to you the difference in my heart, my life, my everything.
The weight is lifted. Something I have not blogged about, and I do so only hesitantly now is a struggle I've been having for a little over a year now.
Depression. A deep dark time in my life that is just unexplainable... I think only if you've faced depression can you begin to understand it. I've been so alone and so afraid to talk about it to all but three people because of the stigma that is attached to it. People think less of you, they don't know what to do with you. You don't know what to do with yourself.
There feels like this incredible weight, a sadness that cannot be taken away. The two illnesses I've been dealing with Hashimotos thyroiditis and liver failure one of the main symptoms of both is depression. It's not just something one can easily "get over" or "shake off" it's a physical illness that can feel like the most defeating thing in the world.
I share now for only ONE reason, that is that I pray that if anyone else out there is suffering from depression that they will know they are NOT alone. You are NOT alone in feeling like a failure, for dealing with constant guilt and thoughts that you don't belong anywhere and that everyone you know would be better off without you. I UNDERSTAND! AND I know that God can take it away from you, or God can use it to His glory.
I also know (and knew) through it all... it's not true. Our families and our friends need us, no matter how unworthy we may feel.
Over the past two weeks, I have been on a new thyroid medication (armor thyroid) and I have felt like a million bucks, seriously, I have not physically felt this well in YEARS probably 8 years. In addition to that, over these past two weeks this sadness, this emotional weight even spiritual weight has been lifted... This morning, standing in church after watching the movie last night "the Gospel of John" it suddenly hit me, during the song below. The weight is GONE... I am not even remotely depressed.
I have clung to the Lord through this incredible dark time, but have felt so unworthy. Last night, watching that reenactment of the sacrifice Jesus made for me. For my sins, for every single thought of anxiety, for every single fear, for every single moment I called HIM a liar and said I was NOT worth His sacrifice... He reminded me last night just how wrong I was. I am covered by grace... I pray that EVERYONE else would come to know that grace. The freedom found in it. The fear, the anxiety, the depression and pain all covered in Him, in His sacrifice on my part.
This blog post also touched my heart recently, it's all been part of a great process that and brought me out of this trial... I want to share this for other adoptive parents who may be struggling... I had no idea something like PAD existed... But I truly confess it does. (some of the parents mention not being able to bond with their children. I thankfully have NOT struggled with this... I am beyond bonded to my Evie darling!) Please CLICK HERE if you think this article will encourage you.
I am RECONCILED! And you, even if you've been saved for years and are only struggling, you... if you've walked away from the faith you once knew... you.... if you've never known Him and His forgiveness... I pray that you will. Because when darkness and suffering are all you know, God is good. When the world is filled with delights and not a trial in sight God is good. He is good ALL the time!
The weight is gone!!!
The weight is lifted. Something I have not blogged about, and I do so only hesitantly now is a struggle I've been having for a little over a year now.
Depression. A deep dark time in my life that is just unexplainable... I think only if you've faced depression can you begin to understand it. I've been so alone and so afraid to talk about it to all but three people because of the stigma that is attached to it. People think less of you, they don't know what to do with you. You don't know what to do with yourself.
There feels like this incredible weight, a sadness that cannot be taken away. The two illnesses I've been dealing with Hashimotos thyroiditis and liver failure one of the main symptoms of both is depression. It's not just something one can easily "get over" or "shake off" it's a physical illness that can feel like the most defeating thing in the world.
I share now for only ONE reason, that is that I pray that if anyone else out there is suffering from depression that they will know they are NOT alone. You are NOT alone in feeling like a failure, for dealing with constant guilt and thoughts that you don't belong anywhere and that everyone you know would be better off without you. I UNDERSTAND! AND I know that God can take it away from you, or God can use it to His glory.
I also know (and knew) through it all... it's not true. Our families and our friends need us, no matter how unworthy we may feel.
Over the past two weeks, I have been on a new thyroid medication (armor thyroid) and I have felt like a million bucks, seriously, I have not physically felt this well in YEARS probably 8 years. In addition to that, over these past two weeks this sadness, this emotional weight even spiritual weight has been lifted... This morning, standing in church after watching the movie last night "the Gospel of John" it suddenly hit me, during the song below. The weight is GONE... I am not even remotely depressed.
I have clung to the Lord through this incredible dark time, but have felt so unworthy. Last night, watching that reenactment of the sacrifice Jesus made for me. For my sins, for every single thought of anxiety, for every single fear, for every single moment I called HIM a liar and said I was NOT worth His sacrifice... He reminded me last night just how wrong I was. I am covered by grace... I pray that EVERYONE else would come to know that grace. The freedom found in it. The fear, the anxiety, the depression and pain all covered in Him, in His sacrifice on my part.
This blog post also touched my heart recently, it's all been part of a great process that and brought me out of this trial... I want to share this for other adoptive parents who may be struggling... I had no idea something like PAD existed... But I truly confess it does. (some of the parents mention not being able to bond with their children. I thankfully have NOT struggled with this... I am beyond bonded to my Evie darling!) Please CLICK HERE if you think this article will encourage you.
I am RECONCILED! And you, even if you've been saved for years and are only struggling, you... if you've walked away from the faith you once knew... you.... if you've never known Him and His forgiveness... I pray that you will. Because when darkness and suffering are all you know, God is good. When the world is filled with delights and not a trial in sight God is good. He is good ALL the time!
The weight is gone!!!
4 comments:
you could have talked to me! I've battled with it off and on for the past few years. Lately it's been *really* bad. I am trying to decide if I need to go on something long-term. The anxiety is one thing, the depression is another. I was put on Effexor last time and it was awful. I broke out in a full body rash from Zoloft. Paxil gave me awful brain zaps. I had a severe anxiety attack in my sleep night before last and I am not sure if it was a dream or real but it was terrifying. I am really weary of going on an anti-d again. Taking Valium or Xanax when I need it is one thing. Taking a med every.single.day (another one) is not something I want to do. I am going to try to see if it gets better now that things are looking up, and with the warmth of summer. I'm not to the point where I can't get out of bed, which is good. I also wonder if part of it is the mycoplasma (I never followed up with my Rheumo). Anyway, if you ever want to talk I can relate! HUGS. HUGE hugs.
I could tell you have been depressed for a very long time. I'm glad the weight has been lifted and you are feeling better.
What a testimony! God is so faithful!
To reflections: I don't know your situation and I certainly don't have all the answers and am not trying to tell you what to do. I just came across a bit of interesting info in a film I watched the other day. (It's called Foodmatters and you can watch it free online.) One thing they said was that if you are dealing with depression to try taking Niacin. I've done no research and have no idea how much anyone should take. I just thought it might be worth looking into for you since you've had such problems with the anti-d's. Aside from that, I'm so sorry that you are struggling with these things and will be praying for you.
Mosey, I love you beyond words and am so glad for all that the Lord is doing in your life... the hard and the good. None of us skate through life on glittery silver shoes just because we are believers. You have learned what Paul learned; to be content in all things, whether you suffer need or abound. And in this, God is glorified.
Post a Comment