Three months

Three months ago today we became an approved adoptive family again. 

Three months ago tomorrow we held a beautiful baby girl.

Three months ago the next day, we gave her back. 

 It seems longer than three months somehow. But not in a bad way, in a good one.  I cannot explain it, the Lord SO protected my heart while facing the loss three months ago.

 I look back now and realize that He answers our prayers in such an amazing way, a way that will be beyond what we even asked for.  I had known for some time that I needed to surrender my own fear of a second adoption journey. I knew that I needed to follow my husbands leading instead of just shutting him off anytime he mentioned another baby. Which was what I'd been doing in many excuses.

 I know that a year ago, the Lord had said no, not now. But during this summer I had begun to feel His call again, but was wrestling against it.  Not because I don't want another child because of course I DO. But, I didn't want to face another loss.

 A week before we received the call about baby A I had been praying and praying about my heart and adoption. I had (though not on purpose) basically laid out an ultimatum. I had asked the Lord to please PLEASE just drop a baby into our laps if it was His desire for us to adopt again... Three days later we got the call about baby A, not even in the process, not approved, nothing... But the birthmom whom we had lost our fourth baby to in our journey to Evie wanted us to have her newborn baby girl.

the idea for the empty chair shots came from here: http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/ Great inspiration

 "TADA" a baby in our laps.  I realize now that the Lord knew I needed to be "booted" into obedience.  My strong will and stubborn personality was just set in stone and there was no way I was going to just go.  My reasoning "that I could never ever face another loss like the one we'd suffered of holding a baby and letting go" was completely blown out of the water as I remembered that God is faithful and He holds our hearts as we walk through the fire. Not only did I hold baby A, but my worst fears were realized as we brought her into our home and then lost her.

 While it was hard, VERY hard. God holds us when we weep. And I know looking at our Evelyn that HE knows our baby. He knew I needed to be reminded of all of these lessons and obey His call on our lives. Adoption.

 I face this journey so differently. I've struggled with a lot of guilt for that. But yet, I am coming to realize that it isn't a bad thing but that it is the Lord growing and maturing my relationship with Him.  I was SO excited at the beginning of our journey to Evie, I constantly looked at baby things, planned, hoped and dreamed.

 With Lydia's journey though, I am peaceful. Quiet, content. I love her, deeply.... I know the incredible joy that is to come when we look into her beautiful eyes. But I'm not "on the lookout" for her.  I don't have excitement in the journey, excitement in HER and in the ways the Lord will work, but not in the process.

 I'm learning slowly I think that it's okay to feel that way. I hope it's okay to feel that way.  But we've been through the fire and once you've been burned you are hesitant to stick your hands into the flames again.

 Several people have asked recently if there is any news. The answer is no. We wait in silence, something I've become very accustomed to. I pray quietly for Lydia's birthmother, is she carrying her in the womb yet? I don't know...  But when she is, it will be God's perfect time.

 There is a Lydia shaped hole in our family, but then, it's been there much longer than 3 months... It's been there for many years and we look forward to the incredible way God fills it and are content to wait on Him.

This picture for me symbolizes everything that our adoption journey to Lydia is:

We are on the road,

 on a journey to our daughter.

and yet we sit patiently and wait

We trust that God's Word is a lamp unto our feet

illuminating only the portion of the path that we need see

all around is darkness

but we know that He is in control

He will guide our steps and 

one day, fill Lydia's chair and shoes.