Of adoption and the healing of a crushed spirit.

 We will see, but I think it's finally here... A lift in my horrible case of writers block. I was blessed to be awake before the sun rose this morning and I got up as quietly as I could and slipped on my heavy robe and slippers and beckoned to my dog to follow me as I headed outside to sit and watch the sunrise.  The sunrise did NOT disappoint! It was beautiful. As I watched that first glimmer of golden light slowly slip over the mountains and bathe them in glorious shades of orange and pink I felt this sharp pang of pure delight.

 That reminder that the Lord truly did lift a weight from my heart beside the ocean a few weeks ago.  That trip to the ocean was like, I don't know... Like it HAD to happen before my heart could move on. I didn't know until we returned home that part of my husband's design in our trip had been to go back and redo the same things we had done after we lost baby Victoria in 2008. (click here for more on that)  To redo them the right way. I didn't realize until I began to see the familiar sights on the drive there that not only did my husband need to do this, but so did I. Desperately.

 I NEEDED to see Evelyn play on that beach. I needed the finality of her journey home, even though it's final... I needed to round out the entire journey and going back to the place on the edge of the deep where I stood and allowed the sound of the waves to wash over my broken heart on the first sunrise of 2009. It HAD to happen.

 You see, while I clung to the Lord fervently through our adoption journey to our Evie girl.... Our journey to Lydia has been a little different in my heart.  I have been struggling through anger, bitterness and fear. (for more than the adoption losses, but this is about the adoption) All of which were sin. I knew they were and I was pretty miserable in them.  I was angry that the Lord began this journey with a painful loss, not only of a baby but of a good deal of trust in others.  But I realize now...  I in my own pride believed I knew a better way than the Lord.

 Ugh, I hate even saying that. But... It's the truth. I realize now that our Lord is SO faithful and even when everything around me feels broken and wrong. It's not. I realize that I am not under condemnation for my weakness, or for my mistrust of the One who is trustworthy.  But that: "Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mountains of God." ~Psalm 36:5-6~

 I LOVE that He uses such precious ways to help me understand Him. I can look at the sky, the clouds and the mountains and have my breath taken away by their beauty and awestruck by their height, I can understand this.

 The promise He has poured over my heart as I have re-entered into His word and into His fellowship:

 "I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. The pour man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles." ~Psalm 34:4-6~

 "When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed spirit." Psalm ~34: 17-18~

 I am hard headed because it took me a very long time to cry for help. But now... Now my Lord is reviving and saving my very crushed spirit. Now I feel like He is putting the pieces of my heart together, not in the same way... But in a new way. A way prepared for the timing when He brings my precious little Lydia home. Oh how my heart longs for it... But no longer is it a longing mixed with bitterness and anger... It is a simple sweet waiting, a waiting in expectancy for how the Lord will work all things together for the good of those who love him, written into Lydia's story.


 Last Sunday the Lord spoke through our Pastor at church (which I might add it was the first time I have willingly attended church since January) anyhow, this statement struck my heart on a chord SO deep I really can't even explain it:

"Anxiety is the loss of hope, or putting your hope in the wrong place"

 Hope has been a thread woven throughout Lydia's story... A thread that the Lord used one of the precious ladies at the adoption agency to place the first strands of into my heart. On this journey I sorrowfully admit that I lost my hope in the Lord. But with these reminders, my hope has been given back and THAT in itself is such an amazing and precious gift.

 Lydia has ALWAYS been wanted. She has ALWAYS been written on my heart and I have such incredible hope that I WILL hold her one day.