Please, if you haven't read them yet, read Part One HERE and Part Two HERE before you continue... It will really make much better sense.
I have for some time felt it was time for me to sit down and really hash out "how" Evie came home. I know I started a series on it a while back, I think I got two entries written and then came to the hard part of her story and couldn't conquer it in my own emotions. I was still so deeply wrestling with everything that happened. Acceptance with joy but still also mingled with grief and sometimes it's just not time to drudge up those emotions. However, Right now the Lord is telling me it's time to hash them out and writing is ALWAYS an outlet for me. As I was praying for a final confirmation it was time this morning I opened my Bible to this passage:
Ephesians 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.
Adoption is ALWAYS a story worth telling... No matter how hard, because really, imagine HOW hard our own adoption as His sons and daughters was, the cost was death on a tree!
I giggle now looking back, every single time the phone rang I nearly jumped out of my skin with excitement, and if the agency's number was on the caller ID... Well, lets just say that there aren't words for all the zig zags your heart does inside of you on those moments. It was always just a bit of paperwork missing, or time to update something or perhaps one of the ladies needed portraits. ALWAYS a blessing to talk to them, but it ALWAYS took time to regain my composure once I realized it wasn't a baby they were calling about.
Our journey had officially begun in February of 2007, we had our approval from the agency by late summer and then.... We waited.
That silence was deafening, defeating and sometimes ate me alive. I craved news, ANY news... Just a glimpse of hope for holding my baby girl. It wasn't until the beginning of August of 2008 that we got a phone call. I remember they had wanted to check something (ethnicity perhaps) I can't remember and they let me know that a birth mom had narrowed her choice down to three albums and ours was one of them. They would call to let me know the next Monday if we were chosen.
My amazing sisterinlaw and one of my dear friends came to sit with me that Monday. We paced, we waited, we all exploded each time the phone rang with excitement then calming when we learned it was not the agency. I seriously thought that would be the longest day of my life. I just prayed and prayed for this birth-mom that she would choose the family GOD had for her baby. There is no difference between the positive pregnancy test and the phone call that tells you your precious baby,your dream, you desire is on the way. Though I had fought it for those days, my heart was involved andI LOVED this baby deeply. That love grew by leaps and boundsthroughout that phone call and grew every day.
Finally the call came.... I have NO idea what that precious caseworker said during that call except that WE were chosen!!!! Planning, excitement... Purest Joy. Our baby was due to be born on September 27th 2008. I couldn't believe it. We met her birth-mom and loved her dearly. She was shy and looking back now I realize that she never wanted to talk about anything of substance. She looked like a dear in the headlights when I asked her what one thing would she want her baby to know about her. I can't imagine what it took for her to make the choice to place her baby. Only the PUREST love. She was (and is) a heroine for wanting the best for her baby.
I prepared a crib, bought pretty outfits, did all the things that new mommies do... My friends prepared a baby shower for two weeks after her due date and everything looked great.
Then we got a phone call... One that I would become accustom to hearing but never prepared for.
We've lost contact with your birth-mom, we're not super concerned at the moment but we thought we should let you know she isn't returning calls. We'll give it a week or two and see what happens. Needless to say, I fell apart. I think I already knew we'd not ever hold her, or see her. I remember reading about Abraham taking Isaac up the hill prepared to lay it ALL down in order to serve the Lord. I laid it all down.
I remember SO vividly... I awoke at about 1am on September 27th and I cannot explain it... But I KNEW she was giving birth. I prayed for her ALL the rest of the night and into the morning hours, like I had never prayed in my entire life. Honestly, I felt SO wrapped in the Lord's arms that night. I got up before dawn, grabbed a blanket, my Bible and a mug of tea and went out in our yard to watch the sunrise. I desperately pleaded with the Lord to give me this baby. Yet, Lord, not my will... But yours be done.
This is an excerpt of journaling from the day we received the call that she had disappeared:
" We are walking through a deep fog and we cannot see where we are going, or if we shall hit a brick wall... We are learning to surrender walking ourselves and allowing the Lord to carry us through it, because He is bigger than the fog and can see the way above it. We don't know where we are going, but we do know that He loves us"
The day of my baby shower, also happened to be the two week mark that we put our album back in the mix and became a waiting family again... No longer an expecting family. Trials bind up hearts together, the friends that accompanied me to tea in place of my baby shower that day... Words could never be put on what they have become to me. Time and again willing to face the fire with our family. One of the most precious pictures I have ever owned is this one, it stands framed in my home and I don't think it will EVER come down
Psalm 118:
4 Let those who fear the LORD say:
"His love endures forever."
5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD,
and he answered by setting me free.
6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
But God is faithful, I will say... He DOES give us more than we can handle and when we let go, HE handles it for us. He longs to carry our hurts and our broken desires in His arms, to wipe away our tears. We do not have to be "strong enough" for HIS strength is made perfect in our weakness.
His hands are on our story, on our journey and He alone is faithful and we are daily amazed at how He has knit our family together, how He knew the perfect timing and the perfect day on which He would place Evelyn, fearfully and wonderfully made into our arms.
Every single minute of grief was worth it for just ONE of her super sweet smiles or her brand new thing to say "Hold you" as she reaches those tiny fingers up at me. I would do it all again in a heart beat... and I haven't even gotten to the worst parts of our journey!
Keep your eyes open for Part 4.... I'll try to get it written SOON!
1 comment:
I am so glad I did not put any mascara on today. I am weeping. Weeping for you and your precious family, but also weeping tears of release for me. The precious scriptures and the personal revelations that God spoke to you are already having a place in my heart. I have been so fearful lately. I have been consumed with the thought of "what if.....?". I want to hand it to the Lord, but was struggling with doing it. But those verses.....Oh how they have helped settle my heart. Keep sharing, God will use it ALL for his Glory and for comfort to others.
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