Bringing Evie Home Part 5

 At this point if you have read parts ONE, TWO, THREE & FOUR  You may be thinking to yourselves, "Why on earth did they keep at it."  Or maybe "I could NEVER go through that"

 Those are all things I think that I regularly asked myself to be completely honest. The grief came in waves, the loss of two very close family members, then the loss of two babies so close together I genuinely suffered from a broken heart. But yet in the midst of that broken heart was my Lord, guiding us, healing our hearts and ever and always pushing us on.

 We had two options, did we pull out once the going got rough, or did we push on knowing that we were acting in obedience to the Lord?

  Obedience was the only option in our eyes. God had called us to adopt, and like the line from one of my favorite songs goes: "He never said it would be easy, he only said we'd never go it alone."

 After the dust settled and our album was yet again returned to it's resting place on the "waiting family" list, we began another span of silence. As before the silence was deafening at times, sometimes I felt like I would come out of my skin and would just stare at the phone willing it to ring.  It didn't.

 For many months we healed, and we grew as a family but ever and always with that Evelyn shaped hole in our hearts.

 I remember one night, 8 months after our last loss I was pouring my heart out to a friend just saying how weary I was, just bone tired of the whole process of waiting and hurting. How desperate I was for any bit of news of my daughter coming home. I cried many tears that night and she cried with me, I shared how for 7 days I had been burdened with this incredible weight to pray for a mom and a baby... The weight was SO heavy, I hadn't slept much at all in that 7 days.

 Upon returning home there was a message from the same precious caseworker we'd spent so much time with in the past. She needed me to call her back as soon as possible.   Long story short, there was a birth-mom who had a baby girl 7 days before and was interested in doing an adoption, I have to be honest I was NOT one bit surprised to get this call. It was on a Friday and she was going to think it over and meet at the agency on Monday morning. Would it be possible if everything went smoothly for us to come in on Monday meet and even perhaps take home a baby.

 Monday came and went with no phone call and I already knew... We would not hold this baby, a phone call came eventually to let us know that she could not go through with the adoption.  It was only a weekend of waiting, but piled on top of everything else, my heart hurt.  I struggled with why we even had to know about her, why after such a long silence we had to face another loss Though I knew the answer, this woman seriously needed prayer. I had really come to terms with everything when on that following Friday we received another phone call. We had been chosen!!

 At the end of September 2009 we made the 3 hour drive to meet this birth-mom (whom I mentioned in a recent post about life)  The meeting went great, she was an open and very honest woman, who spoke what was on her mind and after the last experience at the hospital in Dallas it was a refreshing thing to hear the truth!  She said often she wasn't sure she could go through with the adoption but that she really knew it was the best thing for her and her two other children.  I honestly loved her instantly after our meeting and I enjoyed her company.

 One month later on October 16th we made the 3 hour drive full of excitement and anticipation. She was in labor.  We arrived at the hospital about 5 minutes after she had given birth to a beautiful baby girl. We went into her delivery room and held that beautiful baby girl and chatted lightly with our caseworker and birth-mom.  Things were awkward, I couldn't explain it just awkward. Carter J refused to hold the baby, he took one look at her, put his hands out and said "that's not Evelyn"  We kept trying to assure him it was but he wanted nothing to do with her. The other boys were thrilled, "the boss" was just in turmoil. He had no peace and kept struggling as to why he wasn't more excited. I have to be honest I felt the same way. But I had read that sometimes the bond isn't there instantly with a baby.

 We carried her across the hallway, watched as the nurse bathed, weighed and took care of her. Then they wrapped her up and handed her to me. The hospital was amazing, they gave me a room and after getting all settled in my husband took our boys back to the hotel and I stayed at the hospital with our new baby girl.  I sat in the hospital room feeling awkward and yet slowly but surely over the next few hours I fell head over heels in love with her. She was beautiful and perfect in every way. I unwrapped her and touched her tiny toes and studied every feature.

 I sang praise songs to her for hours and hours. The nurses brought me flowers and a handmade blanket for her, her foot prints, and every little thing they'd used on her, measuring tape for her head ect....  Well into the night around midnight while I was singing to her I felt this deep need to pray for our birth-mom... I felt in such turmoil and I just knew something wasn't right. I held baby close to my heart and savored the moments with her. The nurse came in with a completely different demeanor and checked on baby, she mentioned as she was leaving the room that birth-mom wanted a little time with her if that was okay with me.  Of course it was, and so I finished feeding her the bottle I'd just started, changed her diaper and slowly wrapped her back up. I just knew somehow that I was saying goodbye.  I drew it out until finally around 1am I put her into the bed and opened my door, the nurse was actually heading my way and I met her in the hall. She thanked me and I watched as she wheeled the baby into the room.

 I turned quietly and went back to my room. I sat on my bed and prayed and prayed... For almost an hour I prayed. I told the Lord everything, I begged Him not to allow another baby to be taken from me. I prayed for Birth-mom. I just kept praying. Finally there was a knock on the door, at first I thought... "oh Lord, maybe they are bringing my baby back!!"  But when I opened the door to find C our caseworker standing there, she didn't have to say a word and I crumbled into tears.

 I cannot touch that time in journaling. It is a time so precious to my heart and SO raw with emotion I rarely show to anyone, this woman with whom I grieved that night will ALWAYS be a part of my heart. The words of comfort and the gentleness of her heart are a God given gift.

 We returned home on Carter J's 4th birthday, I was determined to salvage the day for him... We had his party in a cloud of grief and were surrounded by the most dear friends.

 I remember thinking over and over, "Lord, why? why did I have to hold her, why did I have to fall in love with her? Why does this get harder and harder every single time?!"

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

~1 Peter 1:6-9~

 However, the answer to this situation is perfectly clear to me, I would never EVER go back and trade this loss for anything.  I was able to write a letter to birth-mom and share the gospel with her, to forgive her and to make a real difference.  I genuinely pray every single day for her true salvation and that our lives colliding for some time would make some sort of impact on her.

 Little did I know....

 I still love her baby with the deepest love, I pray for her every day, for her safety and for her eventual salvation. I still observe her birthday in my heart, it has been two years running a very difficult day for me. But yet one filled with all day prayer over her life and the life of her mother and siblings.  Yes, I have been deeply hurt, but I also have complete forgiveness for the pain inflicted.

 The choice before us again, pull out or obey?  Adoption is the call on our life:

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:28-31~